Sunday, November 30, 2008
One more day and I might have flipped out and gone postal on everyone in my immediate vicinity. And trust me, nobody...NOBODY likes a cranky E!!!
So I'm taking a much needed break. Both from posting and reading my blogroll. To get some sleep finally! Although I do already have a post in mind for when I come back. Or rather I'll write it up now and save it for a rainy day.
Hope you guys enjoyed 30 days of E. Cherish the memories because it ain't gonna happen again. So ta ta for now loved ones!
New blog reader "That Damn Expat" nominated me for this award! And I accept! (especially since she's only read 3 posts and hence has yet to experience my Grade D crappiness...NO Take Backs!!)
I've never gotten an award before!
*clears throat, taps mic*
I would like to thank the Academy for this award and the fame and prestige that goes along with it. I want to thank all the little people: that little guy in the suit on Fantasy Island, Very Troyer, that "whatchu talking bout Willis" guy!!!! It is the knowledge that I'm bigger than all you that keeps me going day by day. I want to thank God and Jesus and Mary and Joseph and all the Saints, Buddha, that multi armed elephant godlike person thing, L.Ron, and Madonna. My parents and family, that guy up in the corner hiding...yes you!
*music starts playing*
I'm NOT done yet dammit!!!!
I would like to thank my director and the producers who believed in me. My undying platitudes to my hair dresser and makeup artists for covering up the bald spots and third eye. My plastic surgeon and personal trainers for keeping my weight at...well, it doesn't matter what.
all the members of the NFL, purveyors of late night TV, YouTube, the lady at the bakery who supplies my special brownies, the inventor of the internet, Kelsey Grammer, Richard Simmons, my crack dealer....
You like me!!! You really really like me!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
After Thanksgiving Mass.
Infer your own comedic commentary here...
Friday, November 28, 2008
Now, I don't often like to admit I'm wrong. But...yeah.
Anyway, here's the link and my results. Thanks to new blogger buddy [insert her name here]. I'm not gonna post her name because it's my name too (I'm super serial!!! I've never met anyone with my same name before...it's kinda creepy). And I don't want you lousy people stalking me (in case you were thinking about it, might I invite you to watch the video first?)
At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be.
You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where offers of trust, affection and understanding are being withheld and you are being treaded with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.
In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.
And just so you don't think I've completely gone around the girly bend...
Might I add this video to my list of credentials:
p.s. Thats a tattoo...not buttcrack...just so you know.
*Watches football? Check!
*Girl Crushes? Check!
*Fires M4s and AK47s? DAMN SKIPPY!!!!
I'm expecting my penis and 'nads in the mail any time now!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Post dated from Tuesday night, right after hearing my NFL Podcast on Thur...I mean today's games.
I hope you guys are getting stuffed to the gills with Turkey and Ham and those nastry round cranberry slice things and of course...watching football!
1) Seattle vs. Dallas: *sigh* @1:15 pst
2) Tennesee vs. Detroit: there is no way in hell I'm waking up (or did wake up) at 9am to watch this game. We all know the Lions are gonna blow it and Titans will win. End of story. NEXT!
3) Arizona vs. Pitsburg: @5:15 pst. This one I actually want to watch. I have a vested interest in Arizona losing, if only to make me feel better about the Seahawks. But word on the street is they are slightly favored over the Steelers.
Happy Turkey Day!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
And guess what?!?! Both songs make me think of the same person in a bitter sweet sort of way. It's weird. You can ask me why and you can ask me who...and if I'm feeling charitable I may tell you.
The first one is all hopefull and sad and happy and depressing all at once. Plus it doesn't hurt that Seal is kinda man-pretty in a non pretty sort of way. As for the second one, there really isn't much in common with Seal. Except maybe they kinda both look the same. And they're both bla...I mean African-American. Wait, is Seal American?
Just listen will ya?!?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
All I really needed was a conditioning coach.
And not just any conditioning coach.
THIS conditioning coach!
Honestly? Whoever comes up with the ESPN/Sportcenter commercials deserve some sort of award. Like a pie. Or a really large cookie. Or a stripper.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I love win-win situations!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Jets kicked ass AND beat the Titans! I'm happy! But no nekkid E (it's way to cold here in Seattle).
Giants are leading out of the first half. Seahawks are leading out of the first....oh wait. Redskins just scored a field goal.
Hmmm. *looking at the bright side*
Well, at least they are playing really well.
Giants WON! Yay! although the Seahawks also lost so we aren't even in the running for Division Champs. But 3 out of 4 is not bad. Not bad at all! And at least the Seahawks played very well. Morris totally earned his pay today. But has anyone noticed that we always...ALWAYS lose in the second half? :(
CHANNING TATUM...oh drool!
And last but not least...Happy Sunday y'all! I'll be praying for your lost souls all day today. Well, maybe not all day. But at least 3.6 seconds of prayer for each of you...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Whatever. I'm so over it.
I ended up getting home from work 48 minutes later than I normally do, because I had to leave 48 minutes later than usual...to silence the security alarm that decided to do a random test by wailing its head off...for 48 minutes.
On the upside, I just checked my weight and I'm 8 pounds heavier than I was this time last month.
The upside being I don't give a flying rats ass right now and so haven't killed myself yet and since I'm off the meds I can go ahead and drown my craptasmic day in a bag of Hawaiian Barbecue flavored chips and a cold bottle of beer (while reading my blog roll for the day and leaving stupid half-assed comments...hooray for you guys!)
I'm so outta here!
Not Wednesday but here's some music I adore!
Heard this on CMT as I was getting ready for work this morning and any song that can make me crack up and cry at the same time gets two thumbs (and two big toes) up!!!
I specifically love the line "wish her well as she rots in hell and you can tell her I said so...cheater cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash ho"...
Gives the inner redneck in me shivers!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Here's the hot tip:
President-Elect Obama has a weekly video podcast. It's called "Your Weekly Address from the office of the President-Elect". You can catch it on iTunes.
This is why I love this guy. He gives you hope.
Anyhoo, I'm out!
Apparently the "sad state of Seattle sports" is known nationwide...as he sent me this article from the New York Times: At a Time of Loss, Seattle Fans Hold On to Hope .
Kinda makes me want to cry...because I do remember the SoDoMoJo era of Mariners baseball, first when I was in high school and then again when I was a sophomore in college. And I watched along with everyone else in the city as the Seahawks got jacked of a Superbowl title 3 years ago.
As for the upcoming Seahawks vs. Redskins game on sunday...I'm of course rooting for the Seahawks because...well, because I have to. But to tell you the truth, if it were any other team vs. the Redskins I would probably be cheering for them. I've met Jim Zorn on several occasions (by several I mean he would come in to my work once every couple weeks before he got hired by the Redskins and moved) and he is a very nice humble likeable guy.
I posted a few days ago how I met Jon Olerud?!?! Well, my job location is prime for meeting local sports celebrities as it is smack in the middle of Mercer Island, Bellevue, Medina, Kirkland area where all the rich people live. Along with Zorn and Olerud, we've met Edgar Martinez, Marcus Trufant (a few times), Jamie Moyer, Detlef Schrempf, Coaches and Players from Husky sports teams, retired players etc etc etc. and those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.
No real point in that last paragraph.
Just wanted to brag about stuff...since being a Seattle-ite, we haven't gotten many chances to do that lately.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
But you have to have to have to read this:
Top Court Backs Free Seat Ruling.
By one of my favorite bloggers! If you don't laugh at least once, then you are too defective for me and you are SO fired!
No, I'm kidding! haha. But really. Go read and laugh!
So a blogger buddy of mine posted a blog entitled: The Woman's Guide to Sports Fandom. I have yet to ask him and confirm but for some reason it strikes me that maybe...just maybe...he had me in mind when he wrote that. (See in particular Article I Section II, and Article IV). It's actually a good guide, but I think it needs to be tweaked a little :) (more on this later).
I never liked football up untill about a month ago when some coworkers were watching a game. I was watching along with them and admiring the pretty colors of the uniforms and pretty much just entertaining myself with their bickering about so and so player and who is injured etc... when I asked (to no one in particular) what "first down" meant. And that was that. I had them explain to me what was going on and the general rules and why the points were going up how they were...and I was HOOKED!!!!
Most of you read about my unorthodox team picking requirements and now I have to explain better. In the same day as I became enlightened at the wonderfulness that is football, my coworker Josh asked me who I thought was gonna win. I didn't have anything to go on except for the uniforms of the teams playing on the screen and the quarterback (Drew Brees, NO Saints) who was getting interviewed at the time. So I said, I favored the Saints. Why? As a joke...a JOKE...I said, because the quarterback was cute and they had flowers on their helmets. And lo and behold they actually won. The next game was between two Div I college teams. And Josh again asked me which team I favored...and I said FSU because Clemson's uniforms were purple and orange and GAG me with a stick!!! And FSU won. So it became a running joke between us...and for the next 9 games I picked teams that way...and 6 of the 9 teams I picked won. Since it seemed to be working for me...I posted my first ever football related blog :)
So then, in anticipation of being asked again I started reading up on rules. I checked out NFL.com, subscribed to NFL mobile on my phone etc...and I am never looking back!!! Football is F*ing AWESOME!!! I really have my coworkers to thank. In the last 4 weeks, the 5 of them have at multiple occasions lined themselves up to recreate a play for me to explain what happened. And because they never made me feel stupid when I asked stupid questions. I kid you not, I once mentioned to coworker Dan that one of the official's parents must be mean...because their son's initials were B.J...only to be told that B.J. meant Back Judge. To which I responded "oh, is that why some of them only have one letter on the back of their uniforms?" To his credit, he didn't even crack a smile. He just explained to me what all the letters meant. :)
Now for all you football fan wannabees...take it from someone who knows...the key to loving sports (football in this case) is to know what you should know and know what it's ok to learn along the way.
So here we go (please pay close attention)...stuff I learned in my fledgling career as a football enthusiast...
A good rule of thumb is to always pick the home team. Even if you don't know jack sh*t about whether your home team is good that season or not, nobody can fault you for having home team loyalty. Unless of course you live in Detroit...in which case pick another team. Trust me on that! Also, although it's good to pick one team to be loyal to, it's ok to have 2 or 3 other teams you like. Especially because your team is only going to play once a week and you must know who to root for when watching Monday Night Football. And Thursday Night Football. And the awesomeness that is Sunday Football where you can catch 3 games back to back if you're lucky.
It's also ok (in my book) to pick a team based on the attraction you have for a particular player. We are women after all, and need our eye candy too! Just keep in mind that players get injured, traded, and retire all the time. Plus unless they are really really good at their position, you almost never see them without their helmets on...so have backups.
#2: Betting on who wins and who loses
DONT! Because football is unpredictable and you will be dissapointed to the point where you wanna quit watching. So for the love of Gosh!! DONT. Just be content to watch and even though you can favor one team over the other, save the money for that new pair of shoes.
#3: Sports Apparel
I completely agree with WWW here. Don't get a pink football jersey, or shirt, or hat if your team color is not pink (and let me save you the time to look up whose colors are pink...there is none...the closest you can get is powder blue). And don't go overboard with those stupid dresses and earrings and underwear (ok well, you can get the underwear) and scarves and commemorative plates and windshield scrapers. I would keep it down to the basics:
Shirt or Sweatshirt.
maybe a Keychain.
And it's ok to get apparel specifically sized for women. Because I have a football jersey from an ex that is a Men's Large and it literally goes down to mid calf...I won't be caught dead in that outside of my bedroom not only for fashion reasons but also for dangerous tripping hazards. Besides...we're girls! It's ok to look good AND be officially licensed at the same time!
#4: Talking like an expert.
Although it's nice to know the official lingo, if you don't know what the exact terms are and how to use them...don't! Someone will call you out on it and you will look like an idiot. It's better to use words you are comfortable with until someone corrects you or you correct yourself. But I do want to advice you to try not to use words that you haven't heard someone else use in the same context...and to always ask someone you trust what terms mean before you say them out loud (see my B.J. reference). And guess what?!?! Before you know it you will soon be spouting sh*t like "they won the game after he intercepted that pass and hauled ass to score the winning touchdown" and actually know what you just said!
For other rules and terms: NFL.com and (don't laugh) Wikipedia.org
#5: Other Helpful Hints
Don't bother memorizing team rankings, because they change every week and you will go crazy.
Do know the difference between League/Conference/Division and which teams belong to which Division
Do know what the positions are and their general placement on the field.
Do pay attention to who is leading each Division because they are probably going to be the ones who are gonna be in the playoffs.
Do pay attention to 1) quarterbacks, 2) receivers, and 3) other top players and for which team they play for...chances are you will be hearing their names a lot and it's very impressive when you hear "blah blah Warner" "blah blah Fitzgerald" "blah blah Collins" and you prove you know who the hell they are! (p.s Warner = QB for the Cardinals, Fitzgerald = WR for the Cardinals, Kerry Collins = QB for the Titans).
And last but not least...
DO ENJOY THE GAME!!! At the end of it all who cares if you know the statistics and who is favored to win the playoffs and who is going for the wild card and whether or not Cassell is replacing Brady as QB for the rest of the season. If you like to watch football because that Tight End looks cute in Black and Gold then by all means!!!! =)
This guy is Prince Nauda...he was a bad guy...and I looked him up to see who played him....
And I came up with this:
This is Luke Goss... That's right ladies.
THIS IS WHAT WAS UNDER ALL THAT MAKEUP!!!
In case you missed my point again. Here is Mr. Goss when he played another bad guy in another movie. This time it was Blade I (or II or III I can't remember).
And again sans makeup and creepy contacts and weird denture teeth things.
Now I ask you...WHY oh WHY would you cover all that gorgeous man-prettiness under pounds of makeup and prosthetics? I can understand why you would do it to Ron Perlman but him??? REALLY???
That is all.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
If anyone has a guest blog they would like to post on my page let me know. And "Words", you are super welcome to come guest blog again when you want to! =)
I've never been asked to do a guest blog (I'm not really a blogger to begin with), but there's always the first for everything. I was consolidating files on my PDA and came across a file that I vaguely remembered, called "NMOS Words". Anybody remember from SNL those words called "sniglets"? Basically, they're made-up words that aren't in the dictionary but should be. Anyway, I came up with a few of my own words a while back. Here are a couple of them:
1) splashlings= drops of water that accumulate around the edges of sinks after using the faucet.
2) terrorsibs= passengers terrified of a relative's erratic driving but can't say anything because they don't want to hurt their feelings
3) egostein= a person who thinks they're better than everyone else even if they themselves live a crappy life
4) cheddardue= the remaining layer of cheddar that remains on your fingertips after eating a bag of cheesy potato chips like Cheetos
5) entreelate= an entree that was just put out on the buffet line which you were waiting for but decided to eat something else because you couldn't wait and now you're too full to try it.
6) papripp= the result of toilet paper ripped or torn anywhere but along the perforated line
7) uhubba= someone who agrees with whatever someone else says even though they don't know what the hell that person is talking about
8) decrauto= when traffic slows down just to see some dumbass getting a traffic ticket on the side of the road
9) cuisinhate= telling someone you like their food just to be nice, even though it tastes like shit
10) nachwad= when your nachos clump together and you can't get them apart
11) blinkeriac= a dumbass who forgets his/her turn signal is on, which forces people to slow down thinking he/she is signaling an intent to turn
12) slideroo= when all the contents of a sandwich slides to the outside instead of staying in the middle
13) towndo= a townhouse-style condo (I made that up when I bought my condo).
Anyway, the list is constantly growing. I've been trying to not forget to bring my PDA (I usually live by it on a daily basis) everytime I head out the door, so that I can jot down any crazy "NMOS words" that pop into my head. Anybody have any other good ones?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Just found out that an ex's new girlfriend is an f*ing cheerleader for the f*ing Oakland f*ing Raiders. Straight from the horses mouth. He called to see if I was doing ok and I told him I was fine...that a coworker sent me home with a couple dvd's of past Superbowls and I was being lazy... Then he said "that's great...you know [girl's name] is really into football too...but more because of her job I think". I should know a setup when I hear it, but to my defense I was high off of pain killers and wasn't my quick self so I said "what job is that?".
"oh, she's a Raiderette". It's not an off broadway version of the Rockettes...I looked it up. Blah! :(
Great! Yet another reason why I should scorn and loathe him. And my first reason (first in a long line I'm sure) to not root for the Raiders. Here's the second...great big sweaty monkey balls!
Because I'm obsessive like that I looked her up and let's just say she looks a lot like me. Except taller, skinnier, prettier, and she even comes with attachments (ie. manufactured parts). Just call me Cheerleader Lite! Half the makeup and apparently a lot less filling.
You know what? I'd still rather be an NFL coach than a stupid cheerleader. No offense to my cheerleader readers. Cheerleaders are ok as far as people go. Unless you're THE cheerleader...in which case *&%^)#%#^ you!!!.
I sure picked a great time to try to quit cussing...
Now if you'll excuse me while my tough, 'nad kicking, smartass inner self pounds my jealous, girly, insecure inner self into a big bloody paste!
When I'm stressed, I cook. YES, that's right...I watch football, I'm funny, AND I cook! Take that damn Raiderette!
Go here for pics and recipes of tonight's home cooked awesome as f**k dinner.
All together now...SUPER SWEET!!!
First up: White Sandy Beach by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (say that 5 times fast!)
I know it's very mellow but I've recently downloaded a bunch of Hawaiian music to my ipod in preperation for a short hospital stay tomorrow (or actually in about 3 hours...I couldn't sleep but I'll be knocked out for a while anyway so it doesn't matter). Worry not faithfull readers, although there will be some cutting and lasering involved, there is a 0% chance I'll die or be otherwise incapacitated. Too bad for those of you who hate me ;)
P.S. IZ is one of my favorite artists...so if you put down a negative comment about his physical attributes I will be forced to hunt you down like a rabid dog and do some 'nad kicking. That said...please enjoy!
Next up is a suggestion from The Unbearable Banishment. It's funny. WATCH IT!!! or rather listen to it.
Everyone's a Little Bit Racist--Avenue Q
Monday, November 17, 2008
I promised someone that I would post this story somewhere back when these events happened about a year and a half ago, and I never did. My blog is exclusively for humor, but a guest post on ~E's blog is a chance to be a little more serious. Now is a wonderful time to tell this story, because ~E's description of her occasional hibernation is the perfect lead-in. I feel very much like she describes in that post, except that I feel it almost all the time. This is the story of one of those times.
I took a trip home to New Jersey because the stars aligned and a few family events were happening at the same time. My cousin's twins were having their 1st birthday, my aunt was celebrating her Golden Jubilee (that is the 50th anniversary of being a nun) and there was a big family reunion. And of course, I would get to see my little nephew, who as of this writing is nearly 9 months old. The family reunion is the interesting one. It was a gathering of my mother's side of the family, and about 150 people attended. I knew about 15 of them well - the people that I think of as "my family" at holidays and such. About 10 others I had met perhaps once or twice at some point in my life. The rest were complete strangers. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I thought, "well, I'm home anyway, it'll make my mom happy, and it's only 4 hours". My attitude was one of annoyance, not dread.
That all changed the second we walked in the door. Now, those of you who know me well know that I am quite shy, and that it often goes past merely shy and all the way to anxious and fearful. I can honestly say that this reunion provoked an anxiety in me that I have not felt in as long as I can remember, at least all the way back to high school. As soon as we walked in, we were greeted and given name tags to stick to our shirts. It started right then. I don't know why, but this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and dread took hold of me. The event was held in a church cafetorium, and our group staked out a table right in the middle of the room. We settled in, and then the others started to mingle and head for the bar. I sat and didn't move. At all. Four hours in a folding chair at that table and I did not so much as stand up. I was so afraid that I can't even describe it. I did not get in line for the bar and I did not get in line for food, because I was scared that someone would talk to me. My parents and others in my family kept asking me questions. "Why don't you get a drink?" "Aren't you going to eat something?" "Are you feeling all right?" I just said I was feeling sick because I couldn't bring myself to tell them what was really going on. I simply could not have handled someone telling me to "just stop being moody and mingle." Honestly, even if someone brought me food or drink I wouldn't have had any because my insides were so jumpy that I would have thrown it up.
The worst part was toward the end. The guy who had organized the reunion was giving away door prizes for things like "oldest person here", "longest married couple" and the like. He announced one for "person who came the longest distance". I froze, as I knew that except for one person from San Diego, it was probably me. And I also knew that my mother would immediately jump up and point to me. My mother is the most extroverted person I know, and she has never understood my shyness. Further, I really don't think that deep down she thinks it's even real. When I've displayed shyness before, whether it's been refusal to dance or reluctance to talk to people, she just accuses me of being surly, sullen and an old fart. Like I'm just doing it to be a jerkoff. The thing about mothers is that they are certain that everything you do is done to them, for them, in response to them or as a representative of them. As expected, my mother's hand shot up like a teacher's pet and she squealed "Los Angeles!" "Los Angeles!" while gesticulating wildly in my direction. I immediately wished the the floor would open and swallow me up. I was feeling the same as a normal person would if they were standing on the table naked and doing an Irish jig. I turned around and shot my mother a look of absolute anger and violence that I've never flashed before and I hope to never flash again. A look that said "If you don't shut your mouth right now I'll come over there and shut it for you". She noticeably recoiled and threw her hands up. To make things worse, no one immediately went up to claim the prize, and many people had heard "Los Angeles". A brittle woman whom I am apparently related to leaned over from another table to urge me to go up. I told her that someone else here was from San Diego, and silently prayed that Ms. San Diego would finish up in the bathroom and save me. This woman, rather than take the hint, proceeded to engage me in a geographical debate about which city was further from Philadelphia. I was flustered, so I don't remember exactly how that played out. But in the end, a shambling, mulleted Rhode Islander, a savior in striped Zubaz pants, staggered away from his pitcher of beer and up to the stage to claim the prize.
Soon after, someone's child was urged/commanded to sing what turned out to be a quite lovely version of "Danny Boy", and the event was over. On the way out, Mrs. Rand McNally said goodbye and made a subtly snide comment that made me want to knock her out and that I wish I remembered. On the way home, I apologized to my mother for snapping at her. She didn't ask what the hell was going on, and I didn't offer. I don't know why this happened. Ostensibly, these people are family and should have nothing but kind things to say to me. And if this had never happened to me in a group of strangers, why should it happen now? The only thing I can think of is that since these people were family and this was a reunion, I was actually expected to talk to them. In a group of strangers nobody cares if you talk to them. I wish I weren't like this. "You just have to get out there and mingle, meet people!", I hear from well-meaning people. "Everyone is nervous around new people and if you don't start being more outgoing, you're going to wind up alone." Well, this is what I am. I can't change it. It's not a matter of just deciding to be more outgoing. You might as well tell a blind man that if he doesn't start opening his eyes, he's going to keep bumping into things. But they are partly right. I really do think that it's going to cause me to wind up alone. I'm not saying, "oh woe is me", because I've done just fine so far being alone. I just wish I were a little more like everybody else.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'm not kidding!
Of course that is suspending all reality and only in the event that I actually learn how to pick teams by a better basis than how cute the quarterback is and how pretty the colors are in the uniforms. And also to learn the ins and outs of football without having to wikipedia everything. In my defense tho, I probably know more about the history of football and the rules and definitions of terms than anyone...never mind about the actual game playing...I'm still learning dammit!
And keep in mind that I'm only about 5'2 on tippy toes and I didn't break the 100lb mark till I was 18 (it's not important how many times and by how many pounds I've actually surpassed that mark since then). My point is: football needs a breath of fresh air. Namely ME! I mean imagine what kind of hilarity would ensue when the panning camera of ESPN or FSN or the NFL Network sees me clutching that all important play book, making funny hand signals to the QB, arguing with the officials about that dumbass call they made, dangling a foot and a half off the ground from the helmet grill of a linebacker as I bark out orders and give him tough love...
Tough Love...sounds like the title of a sitcom based on the life and times of E (the winningest female NFL coach in all of football-dom!)...
I can picture it now. The sweet and loving but gruff and knowledgeable head coach. Ala Danny Devito in that Army movie a long ass time ago. Baking cookies for her players while at the same time yelling genious plays from the sidelines and screaming obscenities at the referees. Sprinkle in some gratuitous PMS jokes and by golly we've got ourselves a hit!
No not shit...hi-..you know what? Never mind.
I may as well grow a peepee and facial hair!
Whatevah whatevah! I do what I want!!!! (<<---You see what I did there?? South Park Reference! Football AND Southpark?!?! How the hell am I still single?!?)
Anyway, back to Football.
Not sure what games I'll be able to catch today (what with church and family and life obligations like sleeping and eating and such) but here's a list of the games I'm paying attention to. And by "paying attention to" I mean "I have bets going on":
--BAL Ravens vs. NY Giants
both leading their divisions right now, crossing my fingers that the Giants will win
--CHI Bears vs. GB Packers
for the NFC North...rooting for the Bears because as we all know I'm loyal to Favre and the Packers booted him out
--ARI Cardinals vs. SEA Seahawks
because I'm from Seattle so I have to vote for the home team...I'm offering up a prayer in church for the Seahawks cuz I'm really liking my 70% win average!!!
--TEN Titans vs. JAC Jaguars
because who isn't waiting to see if the Titans will finally lose?!?
And of course the CLE Browns vs. the BUF Bills tomorrow night. Woohoo!
I LOVE SUNDAYS!!
Other than the whole God and Church and stuff of course
*nervously expecting to be struck dead*
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Anyway, this was written during my man-jaded-but-severely-in-denial-and-so-freakin-lonely phase. Also, it was around the time when hottie ex EAGLE decided to rear his ugly head and send me a hello from very far away. Incidentally, it was also around the time when equally hott ex BLT was being an asswipe, and not the soft kind. The scratchy kind that leaves lint all up in your butt areas. Go figure....
I was discussing the repurcussions and ramifications of replying back to EAGLE with my therapist. Yes, I see a therapist. Or rather I talk to one. She's my friend and still in the midst of getting her doctorate and I don't pay her...so really I'm not an official head case. Just one in denial. Anyway, back to the story...
I was talking to my friend about replying back to him when she suggested that I do a little exercise. She said that to make me feel better about the relationship mistakes that I've done she wanted me to compose a nice...NICE...note to each and every single one of the dudes. No less than 2 full sentences to each of them. And it had to be nice. And cordial. Well, shoot...I am as cordial and genteel as the next f-ing chic out there. Sounded easy enough so I decided to humor her. I mean really humor her. Although I was completely honest and I'm super sure that they (if they ever read this...god forbid) would agree that they are all very personal, it wouldn't be an E-original masterpiece if I didn't include a healthy dose of smart-assy-ness! And shut it Mr. A ! I can freaking hear you laughing and nodding your head from here! And by the wayside...I only count 3 of these 8, but apparently anything that lasted longer than a month or 3 dates (which ever came last) counted. So I'm not really as whorish as it looks. REALLY!
Now then, in no particular order:
Dude #1: le Chinois
It wasn't me, it was you! Just kidding...it was really me (*smiley face*).
Dude #2: F.S.N.
I love you like a brother. But unfortunately, incest is illegal in all 50 states.
Dude #3: EAGLE
You were my personal real life Vin Diesel...except not gay. Right?!? And I really miss riding it.
Dude #4: BLT
What can I say, you were my Prince Charming complete with outfit. I loved you like Di loved Charles...and I'm sure you loved me the same way!
Dude #5: Buzz-Man
You've proven to me time and again that blondes aren't really that dumb. Now if we can only prove it to other people!!!
Dude #6: UNLved
Have a great life. And by life I mean "std". Hahaha...no I mean LIFE *wink wink*.
Dude #7: Two Wheels
I've always been curious about how life works out in unexpected ways. Meeting you has satisfied that curiousity...I'm glad and happy to know that riding the banana didn't injure your junk! (*smiley face*)
Dude #8: Training Wheels
Twix are for kids. Here's a bowl on me!!!
What do you mean those were not nice?!?! Did you not see the generous sprinkling of smiley faces??? Tough crowd!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
That said...I feel another one coming on. And in preparation (and because I did not foresee this coming before I agreed to the whole NabloPoMo thing) I will and or have asked a few of my favorite bloggers to come do guest blogs. If they agree then I'm still in the running for 30 posts straight. If they don't then I could really care less. Such is the beauty of hibernation...it's always a win/who cares if I lose situation. And that is almost as good as win/win.
Some people I plan on asking to guest blog:
Mr. A at Life on the Crawl
Nerick at I am Nerick
Some Guy at Some Guy's Blog
Dr. Zibbs at That Blue Yak (yeah, that's right...google that shit!)
WWW at Untitled Blogger Project
And me...here...because I've got a couple good ones saved up in case 3 or more of those dudes laugh in my proverbial face and say "shove off E!"
And incidentally, if you are on the list and want to save me 30 seconds of work (each) then just go ahead and say "yay" or "nay" in my comments. HINT HINT: great way to go green and recycle some of your old posts!!! And if you're reading this and aren't on the list (I didn't forget about you...I just thought maybe you were too busy and all), but still want to go ahead and write me up a post then say so! I'll accept anything. Monkeys on typewriters even.
And as always, I don't care if you've heard it before (probably from that Family Guy episode huh?) because it's all new to me!
SHIPOOPI--From "The Music Man"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Also, thanks to Your Beard is Good for posting that video first!
Second, I would like to give props to those who serve in the Military, including but not limited to (the people I actually know): Lt. Jeremy Hyler, USN; PFC Jason Wagner, ARMY; SFC Harley McLean, ARMY; SSG Shaun Bentley, ARMY; Capt. Jayson Kerrigan, USMC; SrA Michael Vinoya, USAF; 2Lt. Honex Escarez, ARMY.
Third, I would like to thank that impromptu beer I had at dinner last night that caused me to wander around my house for 20 minutes this morning looking for my glasses...only to be told by my brother that they were in fact already on my head.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I'm rooting for the Bills.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
And by "discovered" I mean "randomly clicked on the name on the comment above mine, when I was leaving a comment on another blog". If you don't laugh at at least one or two of his cards then there is something severely defective with you and I would ask that you please take your defectiveness elsewhere.
I know you guys hate having to click on links and stuff but let's face it. If you're reading this, you really have nothing else better to do.
Oh and here's a good song to set the mood:
And now that you're full off happiness and relaxation and all the warm and fuzzy's that go with it, may I direct you to this blog on Proposition 8. Keep an open mind and regardless of how you feel about it, at least take the time to read and educate yourselves. Thanks to Some Guy's Blog, for posting the link.
on JESSICA ALBA
But only from Good Luck Chuck...not any other movie. Probably because she got to dance the horizontal mambo with Mr. Hotty McGorgeous -->
Pardon me while I wipe the drool off my keyboard.
For staring at Dane of course. Not Jessica Alba. Cuz Dimes don't swing that way. :)
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thank you to Pretty Willie aka P Dub for posting his thoughts and allowing me to copy it here for you to read.
---I got a lot of responses from people saying they DIDNT vote for Obama because he is against the Bible and against God's word.How do you guys feel about that? Where do you think Obama stands on religion? How important are HIS religious beliefs to you and how you think he will run the country?To me, I think each man, including him had to ask God for their own religious convictions on the issues. I think he is a good Christian man with great values. But his job as president is not to take a stance and make people follow what HE believes. He is not the pastor of your church. He needs to take a stance that will work for ALL or most Americans regardless of religion. (we have freedom of religion in America) I think Bush and Palin and some of the other "more religous" based people separate others on the issued because they make things so "black and white" . Its their way or the highway based on what THEY BELIEVE the Bible says.Should a president really be doing that?For example Abortion, I wouldnt get one, and Obama doesnt want them, and we know the Bible says thou shalt not kill. BUT can we make a law to make everyone else follow what we believe? Thats why he calls it the RIGHT TO CHOOSE. I just dont believe in forcing my beliefs off on anyone else. Educating them is the key, not forcing them to believe what we believe.But then again, they say God is sending us over there to kill those innocent people in Iraq too huh? Maybe its ok because they are Muslim... remember thou shalt not kill... so it applies across the board!
I was told that I was very non-combative in my last post, and I agree. I don't want to be violent on paper, but rather as responsible a citizen as I possibly could be and that includes trying my hardest to research the background behind my views before putting them down for the whole world to see. I don't want to seem as ignorant as the people who have been sending me bulletins in the last week while all the time accusing the rest of the country (or at least the majority who did vote for the president-elect) as being stupid, ignorant, and most of all unconstitutional and un-American. Yeah, you heard right. Here is a brief but inclusive excerpt from one of the most interesting posts I read. Please keep in mind that this is unedited by me and also that this is only one of 5 posts this person put out, and only 1/6 of it. The 1/6 I managed to wade thru before I got so pissed off that I closed the window.
"CONGRATS AMERICA YOU JUST HIRED THE FIRST NON AMERICAN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. now you know our constitution means nothing......just goes to show how stupid some of you really are, Your cheering for our country going to hell. You will wish you and he rest of the Obama voters would have done some homework instead of voting off what crap he fills your head full of. Today is the first day I can say im ashamed to be an american. may as well allow the muslim flag to fly free over our white house."
Yep. Somehow I'm left to wonder how long this person sat down to think and "do his homework" before writing that. Something tells me not very long. It's ok though. In the same hour I read this, I also got a very nicely written, well thought out post from another person who touched upon the same issues that the first dude did. I have asked for his permission to post it here so hopefully you will all get to read it too.
However I will post my reply now, and as always, feel free to comment positively or negatively. It is still a free country despite what others may think.
A president's job is to lead his people. LEAD. Not force them to believe or act in a way that benefits his own agenda. If you gather 100 random people together, there is a great chance that not all of them will agree on the same thing. What more with a whole country? That freedom to believe in what you believe, think what you want to think and have your voice heard, is what makes this country great despite it's faults. When you elect a leader, you want someone who will take a stand that will benefit as much of his citizens as possible and not only a select few. The American people have spoken and they wanted Obama as president. Not all of them are half-witted morons with brains full of Cool whip. I'm sure somewhere in the throng of Obama supporters you'll find a few educators, political analysts, maybe even a senator or two. You know...people who are actually qualified to make informed decisions regarding the state of our nation? When you start spouting off that the majority of the country is stupid and ignorant and you are ashamed to call yourself a part of it, then aren't you the one being un-American? This country was founded upon the individual's right to choose for themselves who they want to lead the country. And incidentally for the right to say whatever you want (which I see you are already well aware of). Having been born in a "third-world country" where guerilla rule and corruption runs rampant, I invite you to go ahead and move there. See how you like living in a country where people's votes really can be swayed with false words and bright smiles. Where people don't have the benefit of uncensored news articles, tv debates, interviews with the candidates, and complete access to the internet world where you can choose to believe what you want about your candidate of choice. Where what you believe in, and what you feel is right, and most importantly your opinion really doesn't count.
There are those who voted for their choice based on the topic of religion. Another touchy subject for sure. Let me just say that religion is only one part of a whole slew of topics that each candidate stands for. Although my views on that certain subject may not coincide with one candidate's views, I chose to vote for someone whose whole agenda would benefit the country or at least as much of it as possible. A president's job is not to lead us in Religion (that is what your pastor or priest is for, and hence the separation of Church and State). His job is to run the country as best as he can with morality and conviction for the good of all the citizens of his nation. For example, 46% of the country voted for McCain and out of that 46% one would expect that a percentage of those people did so because he was considered the more Christian candidate. Also out of that percentage one could rightly assume that they based their decision on the fact that the Bible dictates that "abortion is wrong" standing on the principle teaching that "thou shalt not have the right to kill". Yeah, that's right...I did my homework too!
I firmly believe that they are...right! The Bible does say thou shalt not kill and I believe that abortion is another form of killing. However, if you look at the facts and voting records and if you really take a close look at the Republican agenda (not just McCain but the whole party including Bush) you will see an astronomically high statistic of how many innocent people have died since the war started. One could also argue that this number when divided by the amount of time the war has been going on would be higher than the amount of abortions that would happen per year should the legislation passes to make abortions legal. Again this is all educated conjecture. Since the Republican party prides itself as running on a Christian platform one could conclude that our presence in the war is our Christian right to save the Iraqis (and others) from oppression. This isn't my words, but the words of some very devout Christians who insist that our presence in Iraq and Afghanistan is making a difference. In some ways it did and it still is, I agree to that. But if you really think about it, based on your logic can't you also argue that it is also the Muslim's God given right to do what they did? Who is to say that our God is right and theirs is wrong? The only difference is when you hear about the Muslims, you only think about the fanatics and the terrorists who in their blind need to follow their God's rules and internalize what their Qu'ran says word for word can't see the pain and evil it caused. Food for thought for all us Christians too right? In reality, the Islamic religion is the second largest religion next to Christianity but you don't see 1/4 of the world going around blowing up buildings do you? Nor do you hear about the fact that at the very basis of the Islamic faith is the principles of gratitude for what you are given and giving back to those who need it and in living a virtuous life. Sound familiar?
I, in no way, am belittling the work that our soldiers have done and how many of them have died for a cause that they believe in, nor am I ignoring the reason that we are at war to begin with. But when you decide to run your mouth off and accuse me of being un-American then you best be prepared to argue about it. It is your American right to call me stupid and ignorant but guess what? It is my American right to be educated enough to call your bullshit!
Defending your right to have your own conclusions...and as always yours truly,
Update: In response to "skibba". Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate someone taking the time to make an informed comment on their views. I did want to clarify that when I quoted the numbers for innocent lives lost in the war I was not merely stating the US casualty but the total number of people who died including those from the other side.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
tall and shiny!
with an ever present alcoholic beverage of choice
raw meat...and dumplings
look closer, they're not the same
Anyhoo...I hope this month goes by faster because as you can probably tell, the quality of my blogs has greatly decreased in direct proportion to the stress of having to come up with funny witty posts every single damn day. And it's only the 6th day of the month! Poor readers! I feel sorry for you!
Ok I lie...I don't have a life, but I WAS busy with work and a friends' b-day and such. Maybe if you're lucky I'll post a couple pics tomorrow of my lovely mugg and my equally lovely friends. IF you're lucky.
But for now, here's the music video of the day. And as always, I don't care if you've heard it before...it's all new to me!
THE FORMAT--INCHES AND FALLING
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Do you guys see how much I love you?!?!?
I think I've been picking my boyfriends and guys I date based on the celebrities I'm crushing on! I'm super CEREAL!!!!
Hear me out for a sec...
1) I just realized that if one of my exes, we'll call him EAGLE mated with and had a love child (*gag*) with one of the guys I dated, we'll call him TWO WHEELS...the resulting crib midget would look like Dane Cook.
2) If you look at this picture of Dean Cain real real quickly with one eye (or if you were a close personal friend of mine...or had cataracts) you will see a slight resemblance to another ex, we will call this one BLT. Not to mention they are the same ethnicity. (Note: if you are a close personal friend and you STILL don't know who I'm talking about then you're so fired!)
3) Ok...so if EAGLE then got a real nice tan and shaved his head and gained another 20 pounds in muscle, he would look a lot like this dude. I am NOT shitting you! (HQ, do you remember what EAGLE looked like the last time you saw him?? Well, I saw him about a month ago and he got ripped!)
Not to mention that almost ALL the guys I date (95%), or have dated, or tend to date have some really striking similarities not even just physical attributes but personal backgrounds as well!
*sigh* If only they weren't all such dillholes too. I have a problem. If anyone out there wants to psychoanalyze me for research or cure me or slap me in the face and tell me to grow up then please by all means...but for now, I'm going back to bed. Hopefully, Ill fall into the same dream I had before I so rudely awakened myself. It was a damn good one!
Yeah that's right, I changed the rules so there!
Anyhoo, here's the random post for today. Stolen from this site: Vanity Plates. Because they are cool. They are awesome. And the video is hilarious. Especially if you're high!
Oh P.S. VOTE TOMORROW!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I guess this post is a long time coming. But it's here now and that's what counts. It's all about different kinds of relationships and love and other sappy such things, so be forewarned!
When I was 18 and a freshman in college, I fell in love with 6 girls. No, this isn't that kind of post so you can quit your giggling now (lousy pervs). I was stuck in a dorm room with 6 wonderful girls who were to become my so far lifelong friends. It really is a miracle how we all got along so well since with the 7 of us came 7 different personalities, but get along we did. There was m~E, the Hoodrat, the PeePee Queen, Ange, the Renanator, Swimgirl, and Lindz. What better way to explore all the trials and new adventures that come with your "test-it out and see" years than with your best friends right? We learned from our mistakes and each other. Cried, laughed, and experimented. Fell down, helped each other back up, brushed each other off and egged each other on.
Fast Forward 8 years, 8 annual Christmas Cluster Dinners and we have all changed. All grown up and moved on and became women. Though we have spread apart a little we all know that we are there for each other when needed and with that knowledge comes a bond that will hopefully span for the rest of our lives. This year, 2 of them got married to two equally wonderful men. Of course they have to be pretty wonderfull to land such awesome chics right? Next year, another one bites the dust. And tonight, yet another announced that she is engaged. And I'm fine with that most of the time. Though I'm very very happy for them, I can't help but feeling a bit sad for the changes that are happening. Changes for the better, yes, but changes nonetheless. I know that what comes ahead in the future are new adventures but a part of me longs for the past and the hopes that we all had back then. And then again, a part of me wishes that I was embarking on the same adventures they are now. Out of the 7 of us, I'm the only one who is still single and I'm fine with that usually. But sometimes I do get envious of what they have and what I used to have (but that's a post for another day).
With that said...
"I read both your posts and I just wanted to say, well said on both the religious and political issues you addressed. I was raised Catholic and for a long time I did the whole church thing not knowing any better than what my parents taught me to believe. However, as I grew older I began to love attending church and joining in religious youth groups etc. not necessarily because I believed in the "God created the world in 7 days" aspect of it (I have two degrees in Biochemistry and Biology...go figure) but because I trust in the fundamental teachings of my church. That you should live your life to the best of your abilities, be as kind as possible to others, always do good and not bad, and to always remember that in the times you feel like you are alone, God is always there for you. I believe in God and Jesus as father figures who loves and forgives and teaches you to love others as they do.
These are rules to live by regardless of what religion, or none, you believe in. However, there are those who use their religion as weapons. As tools to hurt and to force actions as a means for their own benefit. There are those who in the blind need to follow the rules governed by their God, neglect to see the hurt and pain and evil it causes. These are the people who eventually cause people to turn their back on religion in general. And I can't say I blame them.
You can say the same about politics. There are those who think that what they feel and believe in is right, and theirs is the ONLY view that is right. And that is fine. I respect other's thoughts and their right to have those thoughts even if they don't coincide with mine. Those are the fundamental rights that this country was founded on wasn't it? I only ask that before you make a decision, before you start spouting your own thoughts and forcing them on others...make sure you are informed about all aspects of your views. Then again, sometimes it's too much to ask for people to see the other side of an argument and truly keep an open mind. Again in order to be open minded yourself you have to forgive other's faults. But where do you draw the line? How about here: No Treats For You
I'm not gonna tell you who I'm voting for nor will I ever force my religion on you because that's not the point. I believe in what I believe because of personal experiences and knowledge and a certain degree of faith that must accompany not only matters of religion but politics as well. I will accept your views with an open mind and open heart and the only thing I will expect from you is the same degree of acceptance of me. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You don't need God or State to tell you that.