Friday, February 13, 2009

Letters to Inanimate Social Constructs [Valentine's Day Edition]


Dear Valentines Day,

Hey...Remember me? Nah, you probably don't. The last time I gladly celebrated you was...geez, about 20 years ago! Long time, no see! And no, I don't count 2006 because the poor guy wasn't warned and shame on you for sucking him in with all your pink and red heart-shaped nonsense!

Oh, lovely Valentines Day...I know it's not your intention to make me feel like crap every year. I know this. And I know it's not your fault that you started out a celebration for a number of saints who had nothing to do with love but then ended up being the greeting card holiday you are now. I know it was never your dream to become a marketing tool for retailers to sell unsuspecting people all sorts of useless trinkets and baubles, and flowers (that die) and candy (that make you fat).


I know that millions of people worldwide celebrate you fondly and that you mark a day full of love for couples all over. I don't begrudge them that. Really I don't! In fact if you were the one day in the year where guys think to give their women lovely gifts, and where women bestow their love upon their men...then heck! More power to you!


Some people call you "Singles Awareness Day" but it's not because I'm single that I refuse to bow down to your charms...this is the first time since I was 18 where I didn't have a Valentine to call my own. Well, you were there! You would know! It's not even because I believe that there shouldn't be just a single day when love between couples should be honored. Some people need a reminder not to take their lovers forgranted and this serves as a great one every year. No...it's not any of those reasons Valentine, as you are well aware I've got my own.


I know all this my sweet, sweet Valentine's Day, but yet, I can't help but hate you. Hate you with as much intensity as my tiny beating heart can muster. I know that every year I usually pretend you don't exist. As much as you can pretend an elephant in the room doesn't exist. But this year my dear Valentine! This year is different. This year I will be saved from the dread and guilt of having to tell my significant other not to get me flowers or cards or pretend to give me an early President's Day gift. I am saved from having to see their dejected and beaten looks of sadness and surprise when I ask them to please not wish me a Happy Valentines Day. For that reason alone, this year I will acknowledge that you are upon us. Even give you your own little shout out on this humble little blog.


This year I will gladly and without anxiety watch you approach and even more gladly and enthusiastically wave you goodbye.


When the day comes to an end dear lovely Valentine's Day, I will bid you a warm farewell and see you next year. And, Valentine??? Please don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

15 comments:

Bella@That damn expat said...

Ugh. I hate this day.

Cute post though!

SkylersDad said...

I love this post. Thank you and have a wonderful post-Vday weekend!

Felisa said...

I haven't had a legitimate Valentine since the 9th grade. =/ And because we both forgot that it was coming up (he's one of my best friends), we decided to be each other's Valentine again this year even though we're across the country from each other. Haha

Have a happy Valentine's day!!!

Cora said...

Ohhh, ~E, I love this!!!! (you know I'm partial to love letters, right? (wink)). Well done! And I feel the same way. Valentine's Day can kiss it.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

What a great attitude! Or is post one of your witty sarcasms? Either way, I enjoyed it.

BTW, the bag post you tagged me on is up.

Amanda said...

:-( ???

Why the hate? It's what you make it. I used to dread 2/14, but not for anything close to "cause I'm single". Once again, I'll email you because this is definitely not one to broadcast.

Point of fact: Shawn has been deployed during the last 5 Valentine's days and will be gone during the next one as well. So me and his bunk-mate's girlfriend are going to dinner tomorrow night in Southcenter - I'm crossing my fingers we don't get shot.

You should do what I did and find a girlfriend to go celebrate with and make people try to figure out if you're single or gay.

Amanda said...

Check this out:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=52028197

I've already got my massage appointment booked!

Word verification word today: skness (sounds like a combo of skin and nakedness...topical and appropriate!)

Sassy Britches said...

Pthttt. I'm staying home, ordering a pizza, and watching Zack & Miri Make A Porno. It doesn't get any better than that.

Dr Zibbs said...

Will you be my Valentine?

Chris said...

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day here either but that's only because our anniversary is Feb 17. That way I get a pass on the shopping rush;)

(I can't believe we've been married for 14 years now.....)

Vodka Mom said...

i hate this day as well.

Sabrae Carter said...

Well hey don't feel bad... instead of coming home from work to kiss me and wish me a happy v-day my wife went out for a beer after work with her friends! makes me feel so loved!

Cowguy said...

Love stinks...

Ron Centeno said...

Sorry you hate this day, but you do have point. It's another day for more stress. The stress of another "unneeded" expense! :-)

Matt said...

Is it too late to ask you to be my valentine?