Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesdays

I just started following Tova Darling's Blog, and she has this weekly topic going called Totally Awkward Tuesdays. If you didn't get that by my post title then you are SO fired!

Here's my first crack at it! Enjoy!

Remember that book called "Are you there God, It's me Margaret!"?

No? Well, you must be a guy then because most women my age or thereabouts will remember reading this Judy Blume masterpiece, but if you still don't know what I'm talking about let me give you a VERY brief synopsis: The book is about a girl going thru puberty and much to her dissapointment...her little girly bags are somewhat delayed in transit (if you know what I mean).

When my friends and I read that book, I was about 10 years old and whilst my little girl friends could totally relate to the character, I had the complete opposite problem. I, much to MY dissapointment, had developed early. Really, really early. If that wasn't bad enough, I didn't stop developing until I was 18.

It sucked monkey balls!

My mother who witnessed all the awkwardness thought she'd be helpful one day by telling me a story about my aunt. Auntie N, she said, had the same problem when she was younger and she was so ashamed and embarassed about her condition that she even went so far as to tie her lady muffins down with a scarf everyday to go to school. I'm sure in my mother's convuluted way of thinking she meant to tell that story as a way of saying "be proud of what you have" but my little brain took it as "hint hint hint! here's what you can do!"

So the next day...gym day at school...I stole a bunch of my brother's sports bindings and tied myself up with it. I used a few old safety pins from my grandmother's sewing kit to "securely" fasten them and off I went. Gym class came and I locked myself up in a bathroom stall so I could change without any witness. Everything was fine and dandy till we all lined up to play basketball. Apparently the up and down motion of the arms was too much for the poor little safety pins to handle and eventually one worked itself open and started jabbing me repeatedly in the side. When we were finally allowed to go back into the locker rooms, I ran ahead of the pack and in my haste to stop the bleeding that I was sure must have been happening, I completely forgot about the miles of tan elastic I had wrapped myself in and whipped off my shirt in front of 20 mean, snide, snivelling, stuck up, jealous little wanktards...I mean -->girls.

After the laugher (theirs, definitely not mine) had subsided, I finished changing and left. The next day at school I found out that some of the girls (I don't know who...but if I ever find out...VENGENCE!) had spread rumors about me and how I was "recovering from a boob job and was all bandaged up" in gym. For the rest of the year I was faced with the dilemma of either stop binding myself which would make them think that I definitely had the procedure done, or keep binding myself which would make them think that I definitely had the procedure done.

Awkward? Totally!


words words words said...

You should have just smacked and smothered those girls with your muffins. That would have been poetic.

I've actually READ that book, too. I remember when I was little I liked a Judy Blume book, so somebody bought me a box set of her books as a present. I was halfway through before I realized I was not the target audience, but I finished it anyway. I still think that's the reason I am so beloved by women today.

Mary Moore said...

One of my fave books of all time. I gave it to my daughter to read...

Yeah, I guess I kind of wish I had had that problem in high school, but then again, maybe not...

SkylersDad said...

I actually read that book as a child. On the subject of sports wrap, I played basket ball with a guy who had a similar "problem" with growth. He would sit on the bench in the locker room wrapping it to his inner thigh before we played a basketball game. I lost track of him after awhile, but I am sure he found his calling in the porn industry.

Gwen said...

Girls are so mean!

You should have come to school the next day with the binding around your head and feigned a head injury.

Amanda said...

yes, awkward. So my somewhat related awkward experience is not something I would post where tens of tens of strangers would read it and then go to my profile and look at my picture and say "she's the one who..." My awkwardness need not continue into adulthood. I shall email you said experience privately.

But a more post-able and related experience is when I read another Judy Blume book, the infamous "Forever". It actually wasn't my book - it was someone else's and it was getting passed around to every girl in the 6th grade. It was my turn and I stayed up late one Friday night reading it on the couch. Before I went to sleep, I stuck it inside my pillow and the next morning I was in the shower and my mom was cleaning and she grabbed my pillow off the couch to put back in my room and Bam! Out fell that book. My mom knew what it was, and she asked me about it. I got embarrassed, so that was when she decided we needed to tell me about when SHE read the book, which was far more awkward than it sounds. Ick.

Sassy Britches said...

Ack! You were Laura Danker! I hope there weren't any Phillip Leroy's or Freddie the Lobster's in your class who caught wind of the story. My heart goes out to your lady muffins.

sid said...

LOL! That's fucking awesome. I'm definitely a late developer. And I didn't understand why anyone would be envious of wearing a bra or getting their period. BTW, love that book.

Bella@That damn expat said...

Awkward, yes.
But let me guess. Around the age of 15 all those girls became super jealous because all the boys liked you. Yes?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I read "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret". I think I read it twice.

One of my good girl friends at the time, Jamie Randol, lived two houses up the street. I was about halfway through it, at the point when they were like "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" and I asked Jamie "does this shit go on?" and she pressed her lips together and nodded slowly and said "Yep."

My response was "Huh...and the 'men-stroo-ate' stuff?"

"yeah, that too."

"huh. wow. I thought girls were above that sort of thing."

"then you really don't know women at all, do you?"

It was a brief glimpse into the world of women. And Jamie shall forever be one of my favorite people because of it.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Adolecent girls suck!
And Judy Blume is one of my heroes ;)

Cora said...

~E, I feel your pain. God, girls are freaking MEAN!!

How cute is Words, Words, Words?! Look at his comment! I'm cracking up!

So@24 said...

I actually read that book in 5th grade.

I'm not kidding. I wanted to see what the big deal was.

Man was I confused.