1) My mother is a Dentist. Not only that but she teaches Dental Anatomy and Histology. BUT, her nickname at work and at school?? "CANDY".
2) A coworker and I witness a speeding Corvette get pulled over by a cop in front of our work. The cop lets the guy go with a warning because he noticed that his cruiser, and the guy's Corvette is blocking the path of a gigantic Budweiser truck trying to get out of the parking lot. The quote of the day uttered by said coworker..."Getting saved by beer while you're driving rarely ever happens."
3) A lab technician in the place I used to work at came in with a cold one day. As he was looking over another lab tech's shoulder as she meticulously inoculated some petri dishes, he sneezed all over her counter. What came out of his mouth next?? "Dammit, I've gone and infected the virus"
4) A friend's mom (and yes, you know who you are!) adopted a Daschund from a local pound. When asked what made her choose that dog over all the others, she said (as she snuggled and kissed the pooch) "because he looks just like a sausage and Mommy loves her big brown sausages"
5) And finally, two quotes from the great Jack Handy...
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did"
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."