Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Guy Questionnaire

I like to think of myself as fairly well versed when it comes to those of the opposite sex. Not completely in tune mind you, but familiar with the territory.

(because really, I wouldn't want to be at one with any guy's brain)

(except maybe Albert Einstein, or Shakespeare, or Bill Gates)

(but I digress...)

However, regardless of how well I can navigate around most men's moods and thoughts, I am time and again left wondering at some perplexities of the male mind. I noticed that a good chunk of my readership are married guys...or just guys...or women who are married TO guys. So I implore upon you these burning questions that I've had. Feel free to answer one, some or none. Ask around to your friends ask your husbands and wives and see if they know any more that you or I do.

Here we go:

1) All three of my ex boyfriends (and yes, I only count the three) loved to watch me put on makeup and get dressed and fix my hair. Some of them would literally perch themselves on the bed or the dresser or toilet depending on where I happen to be, and just watch fascinated while I "transform" myself for a special event. Now I don't want to hear any gay jokes because trust me on this, not a single one of them were...but I do want to hear what the big fascination is? I can understand for women why they like to watch my tutorials for tips but why the guys?

2) Be honest! And be anonymous if you want...but how much does a woman's attractiveness/weight/personality factor into how you feel towards her AS A FRIEND. And do these quantifiers change when you are considering a woman as a RELATIONSHIP PROSPECT. Do women really need to worry that much about how they look or should they worry more about how they act.

3) What is the best way for a girl to breakup with a guy. And what is the best way for a guy to breakup with a girl from the guy's perspective. (trust me, I will correct you on this if you are far off the mark)

4) When a bunch of guys are at a crowded urinal...is it really the unwritten guy law that if you can help it, you do not take the urinal in between two other guys? If so, then what's the big deal? Are you afraid that the guy next to you will all of a sudden show you their bits and pieces or are you just scared that curiousity will overtake and you just have to take a peek-sy? What if you really really have to pee?

5) On that same note, why are men so weirded out by the prospect of seeing another dude's things at a urinal or at a locker room (or so I assume) but they're perfectly fine watching some guy's thing and marbles on a porno flick?

6) Raise your hand if you believe that women don't dress or put on makeup for men...they do it for other women.

7) If you can ask a woman any one question and trust that you will get the completely honest, unbiased, so true it hurts answer...but just one question...what would you ask her?

8) Do men really fantasize about a threesome? I mean, really? And is it just fantasy to remain as such or would you guys actually jump at the chance to participate in one? And while we're on the subject, what would you do if your wife or significant other asked you to do one...would you decide differently if you were the one to propose it?

9) Raise your hand if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater".

10) And this question is strictly for the guys: how important is your looks to you? We all know that most women tend to obsess about certain things like hair, weight, this little wrinkle there or that little sag there...but what about guys? What is the one thing about your body that you are most insecure about?

If you want to answer these questions on your own blog as opposed to my comments sections then please link the post to this one. Or if you prefer sending me email, you can do that too. And don't forget (shameless self-promotion) to check out a new video on my other blog.


B.E. Earl said...

1) No clue. I'm generally not a huge fan of the makeup process only because it takes too long and when we are running late it is usually because of that.

2) Gia has told me that I am like Jack Black's character in Shallow Hal. I am able to see the inner beauty regardless of what the outside shell looks like. I don't think I am that saintly, but generally looks don't matter much to me.

3) Another no clue. It always hurts somebody.

4) Well, you have the unwritten law a little wrong there. The law is that if there is an open urinal away from someone, then you use that urinal. If all the other urinals are taken and the only one is in between two dudes then tough shit. Boy gotta pee!

5) I guess because you aren't in the same room with the guy in the porno.

6) Hand raised.

7) Depends on the woman, I guess. And the situation.

8) I don't. Never saw the thrill of that.

9) Hand raised. Cheaters suck.

10) It's more important for me to be comfortable than to work at looking good for someone else. Luckily my woman thinks I am adorable just as I am. ;)

Phew! That was fun.

Cora said...

Good questions, ~E. Thought provoking.

I'm going to try to answer based on my past boyfriends and ex-husband, okay? Thus be prepared for weird answers and don't take any of this as adivce!!

1. Can't say I've had that experience. My husband HATED watching me doing my hair and makeup. He thought it was the biggest time waster ever and would actually stand behind me complaining. The way you describe it sounds lovely. I wouldn't mind at all having a guy think that stuff was cute!!

2. I think it depends on the guy. If he's into the Paris Hilton type, then looks probably matter a lot. But not all guys are like that. Thank God.

3. Ha ha! When I was married, my husband used to say that this would be the best way for a girl to break up with a guy: "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore. Your dick is just way too big." Hee hee hee.

4. From what I understand, there is a fear of accidently sending a gay signal and getting molested because of it. So the guys don't want to get too close to each other out of fear of a misunderstanding. I could be wrong. That's just what I've been told.

5. Again, in person there is a fear of sending a gay signal and getting hit on. In a porno, you can look all you want without fear.

6. Women usually do dress for other women. That's true. Especially single women, I think. Why the hell is that?! Hmm....

7. Uhh.... I'm tired. I've got nothing.

8. My husband wanted to have a foursome with me, the chick he was having an affair with, and her fiance (who was his childhood best friend) (yeah, complicated, I know). Me and the other guy refused to join in their foursome. In fact, the other guy pretty much went running and screaming in terror from the apartment. (Meanwhile, I started preparing for a divorce.) The foursome never happened. Ex-hub is now married to the chick he wanted a foursome with, so it's possible they've had threesomes or foursomes with other people, I guess, but I would really rather not know!!!!

9. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY!!!! Ex-hub I mentioned in the previous question, well, turns out that when he had an affair with his best friend's fiancee, it wasn't the first time he had done that. He had swiped the same guy's girlfriend a few years earlier before I knew any of them. Yeah. Let that sink in. His best friend of 12 years - he stole his girlfriend, then his fiancee, and (it gets worse) when the fiancee/foursome girl went back to the friend, ex-hub stole her from him AGAIN about a year later. Needless to say, they are not best frinds anymore. Ex-hub cheated with his best friend's women three times and cheated on me at least four times that I know of. And he was on my doorstep last summer asking me to have a baby with him behind his wife's back - so, clearly, he was looking to cheat on her too!!!! ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. No doubt about it.

Girl Interrupted said...

Woah! ~E! What a super post!

Well I'm 29 and still a serial singly so clearly I don't have a clue about how guys think ... but you can bet I'll be checking this post every 10 minutes to check out the guys answers :P

2 questions only that I'd comment on ... I think women, specifically younger, single women dress to a) attempt to be as attractive as possible to men and b) to avoid bitchy comments from other women (sad but true)

And alas, once a cheater always a cheater is pretty accurate as far as I know, and you have no idea how much I've wanted it to not be true in the past :(

This was an awesome idea! :) Can't wait to see what comments you get

Felisa said...

Sorry I can't grow balls and answer as a guy but I'll share my thoughts anyway.

"6) Raise your hand if you believe that women don't dress or put on makeup for men...they do it for other women."

This is pathetic but this is definitely not true for me. I usually dress up depending on the occasion or my mood. And I've dressed up for guys... For my girl friends? Never. I just hope that they'll stay friends with me anyway even if I refuse to wear anything other than sweats. Also, I guess I do this because this one guy from my past was an artist and noticed stuff. Whenever I was dressed up, he never failed to compliment my style and tell me I look pretty and yeah, I'm a sucker for compliments... especially from him so yeah. :P

Once a cheater always a cheater?
Yes. Or, at least, I think that if a guy/girl can cheat once, he/she is capable of doing it again. So I think it's possible for them to stop cheating but they will always have that cheater part of them that can come back to life. Personally, I think trust is central to a relationship so I refuse to date anyone who has the potential to cheat.

And as for the getting ready (putting make up on) part? That has always fascinated me too. I once had a guy attempt to help me curl my hair. He just thought it was SO amazing. And no, he's not gay. I think it's because it's a part of a girl's world that, growing up, they always had to pretend they weren't interested in. I don't know.

~E said...

BE Earl: you're the first guy (and only guy so far) to answer. Much obliged dear sir.

Cora: holy crimoly chica-dee! If you ever need help with getting rid of the ex then I'm your girl. I may be small and not much to speak off in a fight, but I have a strong shin-kick and can spit with deadly accuracy!

Girl I and Felisa: I agree with both of you, just wanted to see if anyone else agreed with me too.

words...words...words... said...

1. I don't know, but I suspect it is a voyeurism thing since she is not paying attention to the guy. It's like watching her from outside her window.

2. As a friend? I guess it can't help but matter a little, but no more than is subconsciously programmed. It absolutely changes for a relationship. And I think everyone needs to worry about how they act more. First of all, someone you like gets prettier. Second, you can fix makeup. You can't fix asshole.

3. Quicky and unambiguously. The kindest thing you can do is not plant false hope.

4. Yes. My friend Jay observed the same behavior in movie seats and called the empty buffer between guys the "homo seat". I don't know why it happens, but it's nothing so important that if the only urinal available is between two other guys you won't take it.

5. We're not supposed to be able to compare to a dude in a porno film. We are supposed to be able to compare to normal dudes. It's the same reason it wouldn't bother you to be as good at basketball as Michael Jordan but it would bother you not to be as good as your next door neighbor.

6. *raises hand*

7. Is it true that you people ruthlessly decide within ten minutes of meeting a guy whether he has any chance of ever seducing you through the end of time?

8. Yes, we really do. A lot. I think whether it remains a fantasy is something answered on a dude-by-dude basis. I would be much more likely to try it if I were not in a committed relationship with either person, although if a wife or girlfriend wanted it, I would entertain it if the third person was not someone in our social circle.

9. *raises hand halfway*

10. I think it's kind of important. I convince myself that my weight makes me radioactive, but sometimes I think I like it that way and that's why I don't lose weight.

Cora said...

@ Words: You just broke my heart a little bit there with your answer to #10, my friend. That hurt. There is NOTHING wrong with having meat on your bones. NOTHING AT ALL. In fact, it is my strong opinion that a man SHOULD have meat on his bones, okay? I said this to Poobomber once and now I'll say it to you: who wants a skinny man anyway, huh?! You fellas need to stop picking on yourselves about your weight. I mean it. I like bigger men - dammit, they are cuddly and manly and way sexier than the skinny boys any day!!!! There's nothing radioactive about that.

~E said...

Words: I agree with Cora. Who wants a bean pole for a boyfriend anyway. And also, to answer your question: we decide in the first ten minutes whether we will let you seduce us in the very near future. like within the night, or the week. However, that doesn't mean we won't change our minds if we decide we like your personality etc etc etc.

Chris said...

1) Well, I only like to watch Alexis get made up because she usually does it in various states of undress. I could care less about the make up. Honestly.

2) Not much. The most attractive woman in my office from a purely physical standpoint is someone I won’t hang out with and wouldn’t ask out. Why? Because she’s a moron and a redneck. Sure she has a smoking hot body and is attractive but every time she speaks, I am turned off. Then again….on the flip side, if she were witty as hell and smart as a whip but looked like hell, I probably wouldn’t consider her a relationship prospect. Shallow? Maybe, but you said “honest”.

3) Girl break up with guy:
Funny: “I can’t be with you anymore….your manhood is just too much for me to take” (ok just kidding but damn that was funny)
Realistic: “When you wipe that shocked look off your face and get up off of my former best friend there, you can move the #($) out of our house, you SOB!”

Guy break up with girl:
You can’t win this one so just go with “I’m actually gay”

4) Yet guys will freely whiz their name onto the dirt, road, or snow right in front of their buddies after several beers and brag over it…..(thank GOD my name isn’t Christopher Alexander Rumplestilskin)

5) I’ve never seen these porno movies of which you speak. Are they foreign films?

6) Half and half.

7) Wait….is this the question? This is a trick right?

8) A threesome works okay, but a foursome is much better. We’re talking about bridge right?

9) Torn on this one for one reason. A leopard typically doesn’t change his/her spots but at the same time, people can make a mistake one time. But after the 17th or 18th time, I usually draw the line.

10) Rather important. I want to look good for Alexis. I want her not only to look at me and think, damn he’s hot but also to have her friends tell her that. Vain? Maybe a bit, but if it makes her happy….

~E said...

Chris: Laughing till it hurts at your #3. Ahh...reminds me of some of the nastier moments in my life. As for #5, I think so...but I wouldn't know for sure. Me being a good catholic child and all.

Scope said...

I took you up on your offer and posted my answers over at my place.

But after see your picture in the post that came later, reading the phrase "I got more boob than I know what to do with" and knowing that my girlfriend live in the same town as you, (and has already commented here and so will read this, too), are you trying to tell me something with #8? :-) Just kidding, of course.

Grant Miller said...

I would answer these questions but I blush too easily.

~E said...

Grant Miller: oh come now, we cant see you blush!

Dr Zibbs said...

Any dude love to watch a hot girl put on makeup.

And what makes you even hotter is that you're a very funny, nice person that doesn't realize how good looking she is.

~E said...

Zibbs: Any chance you've been reading my "boob" comments in the next post? No? In that case...thanks!