Filipino Housewarming Gifts...

Stolen directly from a gifts app that my brother created on Facebook. He wrote all the descriptions and put up all the pics. None of this is my handiwork. But as a good older sister, I'm here to pass off his creativity to my benefit.

If you guys don't understand the utter hilarity of some of this stuff, feel free to ask me or one of your filipino friends... Don't lie...everyone has at least one filipino friend...we are EVERYWHERE! Look behind you, there's one right now! ;)

Or not. It doesn't matter. I guffawed heartily while reading his descriptions and am continuing to guffaw heartily as I post them here. And...out of the 20 items, I or my parents have about 15 of them at any one time! ;)

For your consideration, I've included translations where needed. You're welcome.

Enjoy!

1) THE LAST SUPPER: Because you're not truly fed unless you're at the Lord's table.

2) WoW--MAGICMIC: Singing across the Philippines!

3) WOODEN SPOON AND FORK: It tells your dining room, "Hey! This is where the food goes!"

4) SKYFLAKES: The bottomless tin!

5) BACK SCRATCHER: Reach for the remote, "close" the light, or palo (spank) your kids! It's all good!

6) EXTRA LARGE DRYING RACK: I think it does some other stuff too.

7) PALM FRONDS: To remind you of arts and crafts day at church.

8) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 1]: Entry level wall adornment. Wood frame, a nice glossy 8x10 of the redeemer himself!

9) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 2]: Cross-stich Jesus! Hand made and oh so fabulous.

10) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 3]: Pro status wall hanging! Is it Jesus? Is it Mary? Is it Jesus?...wait, It's BOTH! Twice the salvation for the price of one!

11) FISH TANK: What's a Filipino father to do in a maternal society? Have a fish tank of course! Until they learn about Facebook, the Filipino old timers need something to compulsively check.

12) WEEKLY CHURCH BULLETIN: Don't ever let anyone see you throw one away! It's your weekly receipt! Besides, without it, how else would you know what time to go to mass every Sunday?


13) WALIS (straw broom): Walis-walis kicks Swiffer's disposable arse times infinity! If I can rub my hands on my cleaning utensils without getting cuts and splinters, it's not worth my time!

14) WICKER FURNITURE: Can consist of wicker panels, or go the full monty and get a complete wicker set! Either way, the patterns on my arms, legs, and face don't make themselves!

15) BALIKBAYAN (going back home) BAG O' STUFF: It's so nice of us to save our old L.A. Lights rubber shoes, Breast Cancer Awareness walk t-shirts, and accidentally bleach splattered sweatshirts for our pamilya (family) back home!

16) HUGO BOSS MEN'S FRAGRANCE: Vintage 1985! It's ok that they don't make these anymore! Our dad's don't use more than a couple sprays a year. It's Burt Reynold's cologne of choice, and we're the only asians capable of growing his mustache...coincidence? I think not!

17) CORNED BEEF--AMERICAN STYLE: Ever heard this? "You don't appreciate corned beef because you haven't tasted corned beef in the Philippines! Here, it is so good that you don't even need mayo!"


18) JOHNSON'S BABY COLOGNE: Before CK1, before Nautica Competition, there was Johnson's baby cologne. For the person who's ever wondered what rubbing alcohol would smell like if it also tasted like sweet, sweet, candy.

19) WHITE FLOWER LINIMENT: Rub it on anything that ails ya! Unless what ails ya happens to be near any and all...uhm...orifices?

And last but definitely not least!

20) A FILIPINO: Filipinos kick it hardcore without forgetting about the family back home, their religion, or where they came from. Not to mention they can fix your car, build you a shed, take care of your nanay (mother), and cook you something sooo good you won't care where and what part of what animal it came from!

GET YOURS TODAY!!!

Cora says it's booby day in blog world...

Checked Google Analytics...these are what people were googling when they got sent to my blog...

LOL-ing in the hot noonday sun...

A female officer pulls over and arrests a drunk driver. The female officer tells the man:

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies:




"TITS!"

Really Quick Update...

Backstory: went to NW Folklife Festival at the Seattle Center this weekend. Just as we were about to leave, I thought it would be cool to ride the Ferris Wheel. Just as the ride started, I remembered something very important.

(Warning: Turn your volume down before starting video)

Forgot how you were terrified of heights, did ya??? You remember now though, don't you?!?

Thanks to Nerick who was nice enough to take a video of me while I was busy trying not to pee my pants or throw up all over him.

Working on a couple blog posts and vlogs about Seattle travels...looking forward to reading everyone's blogs soon!

Post Chrismassy bloginess PTII

One of the funnier Christmas Presents I got this year was from my buddy NMos. He wrote me a poem and it's hilarious!

The "E" According to "N"

There once was a beauty named E

Who was the only girl out of three

She can fire a big gun,

If she's mad you betta run,

Cause its hard to stop this busy lil bee.

She was born in the beautiful Philippines

But was transplanted to Seattle it seems.

She's very down to earth

Has been cute since birth

And is comfy in just tshirt and jeans.

She smells as good as she looks.

And likes to read Sandra Brown books.

She loves to shop at Sephora,

I think you would adore her,

For she even bakes and she cooks.

In her free time she writes up blogs,

And also loves Yorkshire Terrier dogs.

Her two lil bros,

Are Robs and Joe,

And only on her home treadmill she jogs.

Her Choco-Kahlua cake is the best,

Truly better than all the rest.

If you joke 'bout her food,

She'd think that'd be rude,

And would probably say, "Surely you jest"

She sports a sexy tattoo,

And jokes about all things taboo.

She can take out many drinks,

In just a couple winks,

And you'd better believe it's all true.

You'll catch her watching football on the tube,

She'll even discuss it like she's a dude.

She'll place her loot,

On the QB that's cute,

Team spirit is what she'll exude.

She can talk about any electronic device,

From cellphones to optical mice.

Not the typical girlee

And immediately you'll agree,

You've never seen a techy look this nice

It is best that one should mention

That particular topics may create some tension.

I admit that the E

Is somewhat a mystery

But thru it all she still has my attention.

Other than that, my most favorite things I got this year:

1) Football Jerseys

2) 750GB Hardrive (to store all my pirated movies, songs, and ebooks of course)

3) A star named after me! Ok well this wasn't really a gift this year but two years ago my best buddy Bob had a star named after me and it's still one of the coolest things I've ever gotten from anyone...unless of course you count "life" for which I will always thank my mother all her 23 hours of labor for.... You can find it at Aries RA 2h 52m 37s D 26 51'. If you're smart enough to look that up and find out what it's called, then I guess you deserve to know my real first name. Bob has since passed away (very very very recently) but I am reminded of him everytime I see that framed certificate hanging on my wall. I don't mean to be mushy here but I really do hope that he's up in heaven, residing on my star...looking out for me.

Bob, Me, and our friend Jay.

R.I.P. Robert Day III, December 3rd, 2008

P.S. Sorry if I brought anyone down, but I figured if I snuck it in at the end, no one would really notice.

Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus...

He works for the U.S. Postal Service, and shops at RadioShack!


















p.s. Yes, it's the same guy and his name is Bob.

Im a thief Im a thief...a very clever thief.

But no, I'm not really.

I will, however, admit to stealing this video from Fancy Shmancy, who in turn stole it from a blogger buddy of hers, who in turn stole it from... Well, actually I don't know where she got it from but who cares...I'll just make sure to wash my hands after.

I don't mind spreading the funny and I don't mind telling you I cried, I was laughing so hard.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HILARIOUS!!! Click on the video. You will NOT be dissapointed!

Guess where this car was!

At my church parking lot.

After Thanksgiving Mass.

Infer your own comedic commentary here...

You can't tell from the pic but the license plate says "HWKFANS"

You can say this for him...he's really committed. Or at least should be!

And to you, faithful Seahawk Fan, wherever you may be...DUDE!!! PRAY HARDER!!!!

A little bloglet...

...while I organize my musics in ye olde ipod.

Oh! HORSE! Honest mistake!

www.explosm.net Cyanide and Happiness

Screw the treadmill...this is what I need!

See? I've been doing it all wrong, what with the running and pilates and lifting weights and the endless crunches.

All I really needed was a conditioning coach.

And not just any conditioning coach.

THIS conditioning coach!




Honestly? Whoever comes up with the ESPN/Sportcenter commercials deserve some sort of award. Like a pie. Or a really large cookie. Or a stripper.

I'm running out of ideas.

Because I have nothing else to write about and I'm still 7 days away from being able to take a bloggy day off (DAMN YOU NABLOPOMO...Damn you to HECK!)

Today's football games that I'm watching (well, actually tomorrow's games since I'm writing this tonight...or last night depending on when I post this...which could actually be a few days from now. I like to keep you guessing).

1) BUF Bills vs. KC Chiefs: Because I like the Bills, and Kansas City is playing so freaking horribly lately that they might actually have a chance. I'm watching you Lindell...I'm watching you!

2) NY Jets vs. TEN Titans: Because if the Jets win (which I'm crossing my fingers and all 13 toes that they will) then I'll be happy. And trust me, a happy E is almost as good as a nekkid E...Almost.

3) NY Giants vs. ARI Cardinals: I'm kinda hoping the Giants knock the Cardinals around a bit. But it doesn't matter who wins because even if they (either one) lose they'd still be Division leaders.

4) WAS Redskins vs. SEA Seahawks: *sigh* I'm a glutton for punishment. Especially after the Huskies bit it in the 2nd OT today.

I know the women (and wannabe women) readers of this delightful blog are getting tired of all the girl crushes and football crap I've been posting lately. So here is some eye candy. I have the stuff that keeps ya comin back don't I?!?!

CHANNING TATUM...oh drool!

And last but not least...Happy Sunday y'all! I'll be praying for your lost souls all day today. Well, maybe not all day. But at least 3.6 seconds of prayer for each of you...

Because I'm too lazy to come up with something funny on my own...

I invite you over to one of the blogs that I have recently discovered.

And by "discovered" I mean "randomly clicked on the name on the comment above mine, when I was leaving a comment on another blog". If you don't laugh at at least one or two of his cards then there is something severely defective with you and I would ask that you please take your defectiveness elsewhere.

I know you guys hate having to click on links and stuff but let's face it. If you're reading this, you really have nothing else better to do.

Oh and here's a good song to set the mood:



And now that you're full off happiness and relaxation and all the warm and fuzzy's that go with it, may I direct you to this blog on Proposition 8. Keep an open mind and regardless of how you feel about it, at least take the time to read and educate yourselves. Thanks to Some Guy's Blog, for posting the link.

Enough of this brainy type stuff! Let's get back to them funnies....

As always, from Cyanide and Happiness (www.explosm.net)

NaBloMoFO!

Or something like that. Apparently there's this trend/contest going on where you have to blog everyday for the month of November. I think I may have accidentally skipped Nov. 3 but seeing as how I posted 3 times Nov. 2 and it's barely Nov. 4 now, I'm technically still in the game.

Yeah that's right, I changed the rules so there!

Anyhoo, here's the random post for today. Stolen from this site: Vanity Plates. Because they are cool. They are awesome. And the video is hilarious. Especially if you're high!

Enjoy!



Oh P.S. VOTE TOMORROW!

Ahhh Mitch! How I miss your wit!

Taken from one of the last standup specials by the late great Mitch Hedberg...twitch on, my bruddah!



"I gotta write these jokes so I sit at the hotel at night and think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down... Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of aint funny."



"I don't stay at the bed and breakfast and I don't think I would. Cuz I figured if you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair-lunch-dinner! See I'm gonna open up a chain of chair-lunch-dinners and put them right across the street from the bed and breakfasts. I'd say 'come on over about 1, but you gotta leave at 11 cuz you ain't sleepin in the chair'."



"You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy but often times they use too many letters? Give us a call down here at 1-800-I really enjoy carpeting! It's too many letters, man! Must I dial them all? 'Hello?' Hold on! I'm only on enjoy! How did you know I was calling? You're good! I can see why they hired you!"



"I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes, only they were repossesed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man! Those would be hard to sneak away! *knock knock* 'HI! Could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for half an hour?' "



"You know when they have fishing shows on TV they catch the fish then let them go? They don't wanna eat the fish, they just wanna make it late for something. Where were you?? I got caught! Liar! Let me see the inside of your lip!"



"Dogs are forever in the pushup position"



"Advil has a candy coating...it's delicious. But it says right on the bottle: do not ingest more than two. Then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself! Let me have ten advil! I got a sweet tooth!"



"I saw this product on TV that makes it easier to water your hard to reach plants. Who would put a plant somewhere hard to reach? That seems so mean. 'I know you need water but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will just throw water at you! Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel up and die.' "



"I would imagine if you can understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy! You'd say SHUT UP I don't understand! "share" "the" "we" "too" I don't get it!"



"I saw this ad that said 'you can have this product for 4 easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to see a product for 3 easy payments and 1 complicated payment. We won't tell you which one it is but one of these payments will be HARD!"



"I find that ducks' oppionion of me depend very much on whether or not I have bread."

"You are such dead meat you filthy face eating piranha" and other funny stuff that people say....

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Mr. Anderson [I presume]:

"Cuz I got game like that! I can pick up a sober person!"

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Josh (and don't you all be emailing me your politics!!! I don't care and won't read it):

"I'd rather crawl thru broken glass from here to Canada than placing my life in Sarah Palin's hands in the eventuality that McCain bites it! I mean, he's like...really...old!"

~from the mouth of some random person at work as she replies to my comment about how I hate being as short and small as I am:

"Short is such a dirty depressing word! You're just space efficient dear...very space efficient"

~from the mouth of Mitch Hedberg, may he rest in peace:

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?"

~overheard from the check out lane at a RadioShack:

"you know what, on second thought just give me all the 14 gauge butt connectors you have. In my line of work you really can't have too many!"

~overheard from the check out lane at a Safeway:

"Mommy! I found leftover penis on the floor!"

Update: Never knew cooking was so daring!

Ok update on my last blog. I gave in and asked my mother this morning what her recipe book said. Here is the conversation verbatim:


Me: Mom, what does this say right here? *pointing*

Mom: Why? You can't read my writing?

Me: Yeah that's it Mom...I just can't read your writing...yep!

Mom: It's 1 can of evaporated milk. You know, "1 can EVAP"

Me: *stunned* OHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yeah ok that makes sense!

Mom: Why what did you think it said?

Me: Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Never knew cooking was so daring!

As I was copying recipes from my mother's recipe book, I came across a recipe for my favorite dessert. Look closely now:

Wow, and you can't even taste it! I wonder if you can get those at Safeway.

I've heard them called "the funnies"...

This image and copyrights belong to Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net.

Now that all the legal mumbo jumbo is out of the way, please feel free to "laugh out loud".

Oh, by the way, you have to scroll the comic to the right or click on it to go to the original website...I still haven't figured out how to stretch my screen to accomodate the whole damn thing, but once I do...LOOK OUT!

My psychic tells me...

So I get these daily horoscope things sent to my phone every morning...

[Don't you judge me you lousy judger!!!!]

And today's horoscope said:

"You'll have a good day of reaching out and touching. Your ability to connect is a great way to launch something excitingly new"

It could just be that this was sent to me as a text at 730am when I was still bleary eyed from sleep and my brain wasn't up to it's usual super speed...but I read it as somewhat pervy. I mean c'mon! REACHING OUT and TOUCHING???

Now for the really funny part. I got home early from work today because we had a training meeting. The subject? Workplace ethics and sexual harassment!

Hehehe. Need I say more?