Filipino Housewarming Gifts...

Stolen directly from a gifts app that my brother created on Facebook. He wrote all the descriptions and put up all the pics. None of this is my handiwork. But as a good older sister, I'm here to pass off his creativity to my benefit.

If you guys don't understand the utter hilarity of some of this stuff, feel free to ask me or one of your filipino friends... Don't lie...everyone has at least one filipino friend...we are EVERYWHERE! Look behind you, there's one right now! ;)

Or not. It doesn't matter. I guffawed heartily while reading his descriptions and am continuing to guffaw heartily as I post them here. And...out of the 20 items, I or my parents have about 15 of them at any one time! ;)

For your consideration, I've included translations where needed. You're welcome.

Enjoy!

1) THE LAST SUPPER: Because you're not truly fed unless you're at the Lord's table.

2) WoW--MAGICMIC: Singing across the Philippines!

3) WOODEN SPOON AND FORK: It tells your dining room, "Hey! This is where the food goes!"

4) SKYFLAKES: The bottomless tin!

5) BACK SCRATCHER: Reach for the remote, "close" the light, or palo (spank) your kids! It's all good!

6) EXTRA LARGE DRYING RACK: I think it does some other stuff too.

7) PALM FRONDS: To remind you of arts and crafts day at church.

8) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 1]: Entry level wall adornment. Wood frame, a nice glossy 8x10 of the redeemer himself!

9) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 2]: Cross-stich Jesus! Hand made and oh so fabulous.

10) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 3]: Pro status wall hanging! Is it Jesus? Is it Mary? Is it Jesus?...wait, It's BOTH! Twice the salvation for the price of one!

11) FISH TANK: What's a Filipino father to do in a maternal society? Have a fish tank of course! Until they learn about Facebook, the Filipino old timers need something to compulsively check.

12) WEEKLY CHURCH BULLETIN: Don't ever let anyone see you throw one away! It's your weekly receipt! Besides, without it, how else would you know what time to go to mass every Sunday?


13) WALIS (straw broom): Walis-walis kicks Swiffer's disposable arse times infinity! If I can rub my hands on my cleaning utensils without getting cuts and splinters, it's not worth my time!

14) WICKER FURNITURE: Can consist of wicker panels, or go the full monty and get a complete wicker set! Either way, the patterns on my arms, legs, and face don't make themselves!

15) BALIKBAYAN (going back home) BAG O' STUFF: It's so nice of us to save our old L.A. Lights rubber shoes, Breast Cancer Awareness walk t-shirts, and accidentally bleach splattered sweatshirts for our pamilya (family) back home!

16) HUGO BOSS MEN'S FRAGRANCE: Vintage 1985! It's ok that they don't make these anymore! Our dad's don't use more than a couple sprays a year. It's Burt Reynold's cologne of choice, and we're the only asians capable of growing his mustache...coincidence? I think not!

17) CORNED BEEF--AMERICAN STYLE: Ever heard this? "You don't appreciate corned beef because you haven't tasted corned beef in the Philippines! Here, it is so good that you don't even need mayo!"


18) JOHNSON'S BABY COLOGNE: Before CK1, before Nautica Competition, there was Johnson's baby cologne. For the person who's ever wondered what rubbing alcohol would smell like if it also tasted like sweet, sweet, candy.

19) WHITE FLOWER LINIMENT: Rub it on anything that ails ya! Unless what ails ya happens to be near any and all...uhm...orifices?

And last but definitely not least!

20) A FILIPINO: Filipinos kick it hardcore without forgetting about the family back home, their religion, or where they came from. Not to mention they can fix your car, build you a shed, take care of your nanay (mother), and cook you something sooo good you won't care where and what part of what animal it came from!

GET YOURS TODAY!!!

"I'm totally blingin today and you hate it!"

Ok so backstory: I have a a thing about watching makeup tutorials on YouTube and have a subscription to the YouTube channel of my favorite drag queen/makeup artiste extraordinaire Petrilude...


(his real name is Josh...)


(I know, kinda anticlimactic right?)


Anyway, Josh hosted a contest a while back asking his readers to create a look based on a picture of a sunset off Waikiki Beach. Total girlyness, but whatever...I'm a girl. Deal with it. His friend Nick (dressed as alter-ego Keisha) entered a faux contest entry and posted it. You can skip all the makeup parts and just watch the first minute...and the last 25 seconds.





Though I don't know why you would...any guy who can sport a wig and beard and limited makeup items and still look that damn good deserves to be fawned over.


I like to think he raided his sister's or girlfriend's makeup bag to do this...more on that later.


Hilarity will ensue. I guarantee it!


And here's another video from his channel. Just to show he isn't all about the girly boy makeup tutorials.






I swear I love those two guys. Never fails to make me snot-out-the-nostril laugh so hard! If they weren't both gay (one definitely...the other one maybe but I hope not) I'd marry them both in a heart beat.


Except then I'd be a polygamist and ~E don't swing that way.


And also I'd be scared they'd both be prettier than me, and ~E don't swing that way either.

K...I totally snuck that last vid of me in there (better lit one available if you clicky the linky down below)...but I think everyone deserves to know how to properly treat any nasty facial activities that may pop up from time to time. And I know I promised never to post makeup vids here again. In my defense that was NOT a makeup vid. It was a public service announcement.

So sue me.

(actually please don't. I'm poor. However, I'm not against anyone pimping me out to their friends)

(By ME I mean my other blog)

(Clearly)

Random Hilarity

1) My mother is a Dentist. Not only that but she teaches Dental Anatomy and Histology. BUT, her nickname at work and at school?? "CANDY".



2) A coworker and I witness a speeding Corvette get pulled over by a cop in front of our work. The cop lets the guy go with a warning because he noticed that his cruiser, and the guy's Corvette is blocking the path of a gigantic Budweiser truck trying to get out of the parking lot. The quote of the day uttered by said coworker..."Getting saved by beer while you're driving rarely ever happens."



3) A lab technician in the place I used to work at came in with a cold one day. As he was looking over another lab tech's shoulder as she meticulously inoculated some petri dishes, he sneezed all over her counter. What came out of his mouth next?? "Dammit, I've gone and infected the virus"



4) A friend's mom (and yes, you know who you are!) adopted a Daschund from a local pound. When asked what made her choose that dog over all the others, she said (as she snuggled and kissed the pooch) "because he looks just like a sausage and Mommy loves her big brown sausages"



5) And finally, two quotes from the great Jack Handy...



"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did"



"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."

Post Chrismassy bloginess PTII

One of the funnier Christmas Presents I got this year was from my buddy NMos. He wrote me a poem and it's hilarious!

The "E" According to "N"

There once was a beauty named E

Who was the only girl out of three

She can fire a big gun,

If she's mad you betta run,

Cause its hard to stop this busy lil bee.

She was born in the beautiful Philippines

But was transplanted to Seattle it seems.

She's very down to earth

Has been cute since birth

And is comfy in just tshirt and jeans.

She smells as good as she looks.

And likes to read Sandra Brown books.

She loves to shop at Sephora,

I think you would adore her,

For she even bakes and she cooks.

In her free time she writes up blogs,

And also loves Yorkshire Terrier dogs.

Her two lil bros,

Are Robs and Joe,

And only on her home treadmill she jogs.

Her Choco-Kahlua cake is the best,

Truly better than all the rest.

If you joke 'bout her food,

She'd think that'd be rude,

And would probably say, "Surely you jest"

She sports a sexy tattoo,

And jokes about all things taboo.

She can take out many drinks,

In just a couple winks,

And you'd better believe it's all true.

You'll catch her watching football on the tube,

She'll even discuss it like she's a dude.

She'll place her loot,

On the QB that's cute,

Team spirit is what she'll exude.

She can talk about any electronic device,

From cellphones to optical mice.

Not the typical girlee

And immediately you'll agree,

You've never seen a techy look this nice

It is best that one should mention

That particular topics may create some tension.

I admit that the E

Is somewhat a mystery

But thru it all she still has my attention.

Other than that, my most favorite things I got this year:

1) Football Jerseys

2) 750GB Hardrive (to store all my pirated movies, songs, and ebooks of course)

3) A star named after me! Ok well this wasn't really a gift this year but two years ago my best buddy Bob had a star named after me and it's still one of the coolest things I've ever gotten from anyone...unless of course you count "life" for which I will always thank my mother all her 23 hours of labor for.... You can find it at Aries RA 2h 52m 37s D 26 51'. If you're smart enough to look that up and find out what it's called, then I guess you deserve to know my real first name. Bob has since passed away (very very very recently) but I am reminded of him everytime I see that framed certificate hanging on my wall. I don't mean to be mushy here but I really do hope that he's up in heaven, residing on my star...looking out for me.

Bob, Me, and our friend Jay.

R.I.P. Robert Day III, December 3rd, 2008

P.S. Sorry if I brought anyone down, but I figured if I snuck it in at the end, no one would really notice.

"You are such dead meat you filthy face eating piranha" and other funny stuff that people say....

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Mr. Anderson [I presume]:

"Cuz I got game like that! I can pick up a sober person!"

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Josh (and don't you all be emailing me your politics!!! I don't care and won't read it):

"I'd rather crawl thru broken glass from here to Canada than placing my life in Sarah Palin's hands in the eventuality that McCain bites it! I mean, he's like...really...old!"

~from the mouth of some random person at work as she replies to my comment about how I hate being as short and small as I am:

"Short is such a dirty depressing word! You're just space efficient dear...very space efficient"

~from the mouth of Mitch Hedberg, may he rest in peace:

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?"

~overheard from the check out lane at a RadioShack:

"you know what, on second thought just give me all the 14 gauge butt connectors you have. In my line of work you really can't have too many!"

~overheard from the check out lane at a Safeway:

"Mommy! I found leftover penis on the floor!"