Taken from one of the last standup specials by the late great Mitch Hedberg...twitch on, my bruddah!
"I gotta write these jokes so I sit at the hotel at night and think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down... Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of aint funny."
"I don't stay at the bed and breakfast and I don't think I would. Cuz I figured if you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair-lunch-dinner! See I'm gonna open up a chain of chair-lunch-dinners and put them right across the street from the bed and breakfasts. I'd say 'come on over about 1, but you gotta leave at 11 cuz you ain't sleepin in the chair'."
"You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy but often times they use too many letters? Give us a call down here at 1-800-I really enjoy carpeting! It's too many letters, man! Must I dial them all? 'Hello?' Hold on! I'm only on enjoy! How did you know I was calling? You're good! I can see why they hired you!"
"I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes, only they were repossesed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man! Those would be hard to sneak away! *knock knock* 'HI! Could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for half an hour?' "
"You know when they have fishing shows on TV they catch the fish then let them go? They don't wanna eat the fish, they just wanna make it late for something. Where were you?? I got caught! Liar! Let me see the inside of your lip!"
"Dogs are forever in the pushup position"
"Advil has a candy coating...it's delicious. But it says right on the bottle: do not ingest more than two. Then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself! Let me have ten advil! I got a sweet tooth!"
"I saw this product on TV that makes it easier to water your hard to reach plants. Who would put a plant somewhere hard to reach? That seems so mean. 'I know you need water but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will just throw water at you! Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel up and die.' "
"I would imagine if you can understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy! You'd say SHUT UP I don't understand! "share" "the" "we" "too" I don't get it!"
"I saw this ad that said 'you can have this product for 4 easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to see a product for 3 easy payments and 1 complicated payment. We won't tell you which one it is but one of these payments will be HARD!"
"I find that ducks' oppionion of me depend very much on whether or not I have bread."