Friday, October 31, 2008

The Seething Pot of Wonderfulness that is late late late night TV...

Thought question: What do you do at 3am when you're bored out of your mind and can't sleep?

Thought answer: Watch late night TV of course!

Here's the thing tho... The reason all those shows are given the "prime" spot between 230am and 430am is because nobody but insomniacs who have no other choice (ME) and drunk people waiting to pass out (also sometimes ME) is awake at that time. Let's look at our (my) meager selection shall we?

1) Evangelical Bible stuff:

I can only stand to watch about 35 to 45 seconds of this stuff on my way to other channels. Now don't get me wrong, I am as religious if not more so than most people. I actually go to church every Sunday (unless Im really sick in which case I still go, only someone has to carry my sick ass over) but I just can't place too much validity on TV Evangelists who devote 90% of their time thumping disabled people on the head, knocking them down, and then helping them back up all the while having them proclaim "oh lordy I can walk! I can WALK!". It just seems so Hollywood to me. Not to mention the fact that every other sentence they say is punctuated with a "oh Jesus!" Relax Mr. TV Evangelist dude...I don't think you have to yell His name that loudly...I'm pretty sure He hears you!

2)Infomercials (see also #5):

Probably because it's been proven that when people are sleepy they make even dumber decisions than when they are drunk. And we've already established that only sleepy people and drunkards are actually awake to see this crap so it's a win-win situation for them! Case in point, in 10 minutes and after scrolling thru 50 channels, I found these wonderfull products that you just can't live without! Cat Genie (which automatically scoops up cat poo)...Automatic Plant Waterer (for when you have no friends to water your plants for you while on vacation)...Miracle Makeup (to cover those wrinkles and varicose veins in your legs)...Ped Egg (to scrape away all those nasty corns and bunions on your tootsies)...and the list goes on and on and on!

3)People (fat people...see that South Park episode with Sally Struthers for reference) asking for just .40 cents a day to feed children:

Now here's the thing...why would you air something like this at bumfuck a.m. when no one can see it? Why not show them starving little children with huge teary eyes at dinner time when people are settling down with their meat and potato laden plates to watch TV. It's called GUILT and it works!

4)Exercise equipment and videos. and more exercise equipment and videos:

Gone is the days of Richard Simmons sweating with the oldies. Now all you see are 60 year old grandmas with abs you can grate cheese on. And "personal triumph stories" of people who lost a gajillion amount of weight in 30 seconds or less. And of course you too can be on your way to a flatter tummy and leaner thighs if only you'll spend half your monthly pay check and purchase whatever machine or video they are selling. This stuff is so effective that all you have to do is shell out the cash! You don't even have to watch it or anything, and never mind actually getting up early to work out because HECK you're awake to see this commercial and there aint no way you'll haul your lazy butt out of bed in 2 hours to run!

5)Enzyte/Viagra type commercials:

Apparently when I said only tired people and drunks are up this late, I neglected to mention that a goodly percentage of the said tired people and drunks are also in need of penile enlargement products. Hmmm...I was gonna add some witty comment here but sadly I find myself "lacking" in social commentary about a topic I have a real "shortcoming" in. I suppose instead of blogging it out, I should "bust my balls" and "head" on out to Google to study up on it.

250am...maybe if I hurry I'll catch that Ped Egg commercial!


words words words said...

I'm a night owl (it's 4:30am as I post this) and I see all the same things, plus LOTS of ads for technical schools. The world is apparently in dire need of locksmiths, truck drivers and paralegals. Clearly, you can add the unemployed to those who are watching at this hour. Which makes all the pleas for charity rather moot. As well as the male enhancement products. When you're not working, not getting it up is the least of your troubles securing a date.

~E said...

It's all in how you view things. You could be a really early riser. Ready to greet the day at 430am with unbridled enthusiasm and glee.

Or you could be like me.

On second thought, it's probably better to be like me.