Friday, May 1, 2009

Just consider it a mental upchuck [Part VIII]

Part VIII: That time at the strip club

This one is inspired by Sassy Britches who blogged about her first time in a big strip joint in Louisiana.

Well, I have a story like that too and rather than bogging down her comments section and wasting a perfectly good blog-portunity (you see what I did there?? yeahhhh) I thought I'd bang out another mental upchuck for you all.

In 2006, my boyfriend at the time and I wanted to take a little trip. It turns out that his sister has been wanting him to come visit her in Arizona since he came home from Iraq the year before and he has been wanting to see his nephews too. I suggested we fly down to see her the week of Valentines Day (because we all know how much I hate that holiday and any excuse not to celebrate it was A-ok to me). I knew before hand that his sister was a bartender but I didn't know where.

We land in Phoenix at just after 1am on a red-eye from Seattle and my boyfriend hails a cab and gives an address. Like I said before, she was a bartender so we agreed to meet her at her place of employ and grab us some free drinks while we waited for her shift to end and we would all ride home together.

I should have known something was up when the taxi driver smirked at us upon hearing where we wanted to go (with our bags and luggages...straight from the 1am on a Tuesday) but I wasn't really paying attention. 20 minutes later, we arrive at a huge HUGE parking lot with what seemed to be a warehouse in the middle of the lot. At the end of the lot facing the opposite way from the direction we were coming from were these words in great big red light studded letters: .oC hsuB naksalA taerG ehT. Oh sorry...I meant: THE GREAT ALASKAN BUSH CO.

I thought, outdoor sporting goods store? What the hell? The driver drops us off at the front door and my boyfriend hurriedly gets out of the car and starts to explain to me where we were while at the same time getting our bags out the trunk, paying the driver, and avoiding my eyes. We were at one of the biggest strip clubs in Phoenix. We meet the bouncer at the door...he tells him that we are there to see "Raine" and the bouncer smiles wide and says "oh yeah, she told us to wait for you guys, here you can put your bags in the office".

I don't know what the big deal is and why he neglected to mention where she worked prior to us getting there. I've never been a prude and never will be and I was actually pretty siked to see a strip club for the first time. Turns out there were two halves to the building. The right side was completely nekkid girls but no alcohol, and the left side was only topless with a full bar. That's where his sister worked. So I meet his sister for the first time and we chat in between her serving drinks and I think she thought I was uncomfortable in my surroundings because she kept refilling my glass and handing me cocktails. I was having fun watching the dancers spin around the pole and give lapdances and all the pretty pink and sparkly lights. Once in a while in between dances, some of the girls would come up to say Hi and flirt with my guy (I didn't care...alcohol and dazzly lights tends to make me ambivalent). Finally about an hour and a half and many many drinks later, the last of the customers had left and they turned the lights on to get ready to close shop.

Some of the girls who were ready to leave came up to the bar to meet my boyfriend and I and after the initial greetings, one of the girls named Candy (I swear I am not making this sh*t up...her REAL name was Candy) came up to me and openly stared. I tried to ignore her for a second but finally I turned to stare right back at her. She finally leaned over and whispered "who's your doctor?" whilst simultaneously poking me in the left boob. Of course alcohol tends to encourage the smart ass in me so I leaned over, poked her in HER left boob and said "GOD".

She laughed her nylon and spandex covered buns off and happily told my bf's sister to get me another shot for the road because I just helped her win a bet. I guess her and a few of the dancers who'd met me in the last hour had a bet going whether I was surgically enhanced or it was just by some freak of nature that a 5ft tall, 110lb Asian girl could really just be that endowed. Once my boyfriend and his sister (who were watching this exchange shocked and clueless) were let in on the joke, they laughed too and deemed it time to get my liquored up self home and in bed. His sister, in the office while getting our luggage said to me "Congratulations, you've just been Bushed by Candy" and handed me an official Bush Co. tank top.

I wore it around the city a couple times while we were touring around. I got some weird looks but I figured it was for the same reason that the strippers were giving me strange looks. It wasn't until a week later when we got home that my boyfriend told me that particular kind of tanktop wasn't for sale and only "official employees" were allowed to have one.


And I know you guys are all dying to see the shirt so here:

Peruse, ogle, stare, drool...whatever. And please, to those of you who know my parents, they are still under the delusion that this was from an outdoor sporting goods store (tho I don't see how with that naked girl on the side) but I am in no hurry to correct them any time soon.


Scope said...


That was a witty comeback you busted out on Candy.

SkylersDad said...

So many good things about this post I don't know where to start!

I guess I'll start with nice boobs.

I agree with Scope, terrific comeback to Candy.

There was an old classic club in downtown Denver for years and years called Sid Kings. When the law was passed that you mentioned above about total nudity and drinks couldn't be in the same place, Sid divided his club in half - with a glass wall!

Dr Zibbs said...


Candy's daily Dandy said...

Way to go! Schooling the strippers!

And WHY are they all named Candy?

You know your moms can feel my pain...

Felisa said...

Hahaha that is all kinds of cool.
I've been wanting to go to a strip club! My friends wanted to take me to deja vu in downtown Seattle for my 18th birthday but we never got around to going! Haha It's still in my to do list.

~E said...

Scope/SkyDad: I agree, too bad I can't come up with witty reparte like that unless Im under the influence.

Dr. Zibbs: Thanks.

Candy: Oh, I don't know. I think my mom likes being called Candy, strippers or no strippers. Makes her feel...young and flirty I guess. Get this, Candy's stage name? Anyone? Anyone? "Kaine"

Felisa: Ew, don't go to DejaVu! Go to the Lusty Lady in Queen Anne. Much nicer establishment. So I've heard ;)

Chemgeek said...

****She finally leaned over and whispered "who's your doctor?" whilst simultaneously poking me in the left boob.****

Hey, that's my old schtick. Never worked. I always got punched... or arrested.

~E said...

ChemGeek: I think you would have had better luck if you were a 6ft tall blond woman who's obviously been visiting doctors Other than God.

Some Guy said...

Please tell me you got a lap dance while you were there (even if you have to lie).

Chris said...

This has to be my favorite post you've ever done. I mean humor, alcohol, and boobs all in one post?

Sporting goods store....hilarious.

Scope said...

Sorry, I was tired last night, I will try better this time:

I bet the girls who lost the bet felt like a couple of ...
REAL B(.)(.)Bs.

And I'm really struggling to work a "touched by an Angel" joke playing off the God / Stripper Name duality.

And I must admit it was about the third time you mentioned the name of the place that I read "BUSH" instead of "BRUSH".

Cora said...

God was extremely kind to you, ~E.

Nuff said.


Anonymous said...

Maybe someone should send that shirt to Palin. This is my first time reading here, so err, quite the entry to start with ;-).

I thought they spelled it Candi or Candee. And where chronically depressed & hidden angry. Who knew.

~E said...

Some Guy: I got a lapdance. From Candy. You're welcome.

Chris: I figured I couldn't go wrong with a drunken boob story complete with strippers.

Scope: Nice one, second time around!

Cora: I don't know if I'd call it "kind". You've heard of the saying, too many cooks in the kitchen? Sometimes I feel slightly overseasoned if you know what I mean.

FrankandMary: WELCOME! quite the initiation to my world but I hope you liked it and will stay!

Mrs. Holly Hall said...


haven'tread the post yet but dammit,

that's some good parent lying to with the naked girl t shirt


will read soon :)

sid said...

Is it weird that I wish I had that T-shirt? The T-shirt just seems to make you badass.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wait. You're encouraging me to stare, ogle and drool?

Well, then...I'll finish up right here and get back to it.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Wow, that's a awesome... shirt, let's go with shirt. ;)

~E said...

Sid: It's not the shirt sweetie...I AM badass! ;)

Mjenks: go on then, get outta here and keep staring! LOL

Fancy: "shirt" it is!

Dr Zibbs said...

I did see this. I just didn't want to sound like a perv by saying anything other than "nice"

words...words...words... said...

I swear, I had something to say here. I completely forget what it was.

~E said...

Dr. Zibbs: You're begging for half nudie pics over on your blog so I don't think anything you can say here will make you seem any more pervy than you are! :)

Words: "nice rack" seems to be the comment du jour.

Sassy Britches said...

Where the EFF was I for this post?!?! Freakin' YES for this! All. of. it. You rock.