Thursday, July 9, 2009

Filipino Housewarming Gifts...

Stolen directly from a gifts app that my brother created on Facebook. He wrote all the descriptions and put up all the pics. None of this is my handiwork. But as a good older sister, I'm here to pass off his creativity to my benefit.

If you guys don't understand the utter hilarity of some of this stuff, feel free to ask me or one of your filipino friends... Don't lie...everyone has at least one filipino friend...we are EVERYWHERE! Look behind you, there's one right now! ;)

Or not. It doesn't matter. I guffawed heartily while reading his descriptions and am continuing to guffaw heartily as I post them here. And...out of the 20 items, I or my parents have about 15 of them at any one time! ;)
For your consideration, I've included translations where needed. You're welcome.


1) THE LAST SUPPER: Because you're not truly fed unless you're at the Lord's table.
2) WoW--MAGICMIC: Singing across the Philippines!

3) WOODEN SPOON AND FORK: It tells your dining room, "Hey! This is where the food goes!"
4) SKYFLAKES: The bottomless tin!

5) BACK SCRATCHER: Reach for the remote, "close" the light, or palo (spank) your kids! It's all good!
6) EXTRA LARGE DRYING RACK: I think it does some other stuff too.

7) PALM FRONDS: To remind you of arts and crafts day at church.
8) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 1]: Entry level wall adornment. Wood frame, a nice glossy 8x10 of the redeemer himself!

9) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 2]: Cross-stich Jesus! Hand made and oh so fabulous.
10) JESUS WALL HANGING [Level 3]: Pro status wall hanging! Is it Jesus? Is it Mary? Is it Jesus?...wait, It's BOTH! Twice the salvation for the price of one!

11) FISH TANK: What's a Filipino father to do in a maternal society? Have a fish tank of course! Until they learn about Facebook, the Filipino old timers need something to compulsively check.

12) WEEKLY CHURCH BULLETIN: Don't ever let anyone see you throw one away! It's your weekly receipt! Besides, without it, how else would you know what time to go to mass every Sunday?

13) WALIS (straw broom): Walis-walis kicks Swiffer's disposable arse times infinity! If I can rub my hands on my cleaning utensils without getting cuts and splinters, it's not worth my time!
14) WICKER FURNITURE: Can consist of wicker panels, or go the full monty and get a complete wicker set! Either way, the patterns on my arms, legs, and face don't make themselves!
15) BALIKBAYAN (going back home) BAG O' STUFF: It's so nice of us to save our old L.A. Lights rubber shoes, Breast Cancer Awareness walk t-shirts, and accidentally bleach splattered sweatshirts for our pamilya (family) back home!

16) HUGO BOSS MEN'S FRAGRANCE: Vintage 1985! It's ok that they don't make these anymore! Our dad's don't use more than a couple sprays a year. It's Burt Reynold's cologne of choice, and we're the only asians capable of growing his mustache...coincidence? I think not!

17) CORNED BEEF--AMERICAN STYLE: Ever heard this? "You don't appreciate corned beef because you haven't tasted corned beef in the Philippines! Here, it is so good that you don't even need mayo!"

18) JOHNSON'S BABY COLOGNE: Before CK1, before Nautica Competition, there was Johnson's baby cologne. For the person who's ever wondered what rubbing alcohol would smell like if it also tasted like sweet, sweet, candy.

19) WHITE FLOWER LINIMENT: Rub it on anything that ails ya! Unless what ails ya happens to be near any and all...uhm...orifices?

And last but definitely not least!
20) A FILIPINO: Filipinos kick it hardcore without forgetting about the family back home, their religion, or where they came from. Not to mention they can fix your car, build you a shed, take care of your nanay (mother), and cook you something sooo good you won't care where and what part of what animal it came from!



Cora said...

Hee hee hee. My parents had wicker furniture all over the house and deck when I was little. I feel your pain, ~E. ;-)

Scope said...

So the Mexicans have the gory and horrific crucifixes as their level 3, and you just have a flaming heart 2-fer?

And you're just going to lay there and take it?

Tell me the hearts at least glow in the dark or have LEDs in them or something.

Welcome back.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Is it wrong that I nearly hurt myself trying not to laugh over the fact that you're the only Asians who can grow Burt Reynolds' mustache?

And, damn, you people have something for the Sacred Heart, don't you?

SkylersDad said...

OK, so "Twice the salvation for the price of one!" made me laugh out my spleen. At least I hope it was a spleen, and not something I really need.

words...words...words... said...

I get enough Jesusy stuff from my aunt the nun. Where can I get my very own Filipino?

The Unbearable Banishment said...

A+ for the "weekly receipt" comment. I may hit Mrs. Wife with that on Sunday when she returns from her obligatory visit.

~E said...

Cora: My grandma used to make me and my bro take our naps on her wicker sofa set...I looked like a tennis racket smacked me in the face for the first 5 years of my life.

Scope: DUDE! its even better than led or glow in the dark. Its one of those dual pics where if you look from the right side its Jesus and from the left its Mary!!! My mom has one in her house RIGHT THE HECK NOW!!!

Mjenks: damn straight!

Skylers Dad: thats the line that actually made me put this thing on my blog!

Words: Daly City California...chock full of Pinoys. Or you can spring for the 2000 dollar fare and go where they're handmade and homegrown.. Hawaii.

UB: and when she then rolls up God's newspaper to smack you with it, please tell me so I can guffaw heartily.

Some Guy said...

I could do some magical things with that MAGICMIC. It looks like the Mr. Microphone for the new millennium.

Felisa said...

Hahahaha one time when we were younger, my sister and I didn't want to go to church but my dad insisted and we were asked for our "weekly receipt" when we got home :P My car is spotless save for the stack of weekly church bulletins!

We had #8 on the wall at the bottom of our steps growing up. I remember I used to go around the house and see if he was STILL looking at me. Wherever you go, he looks like he's watching!

Anddddddd I have a backscratcher in my room that I never use. People who come over and see it love it! :P

Tell me you've seen HappySlip's Balikbayan video! It's also hilarious.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Too funny, I was wondering what the heck you sent me on Facebook!

Girl Interrupted said...

Oh my gosh!! My mum has a back scratcher that is older than me which is exactly the same as the one in that pic!!!! It always kinda freaked me out when I was little and my cousins would chase me with it (boys smell).

I really want the WoW MagicMic but looks like I'll have to fight Some Guy for it ... or maybe we could do a duet!

Hollywood Megastore said...

nything can count as Hollywood memorabilia from film props to movie posters.

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