Sunday, September 28, 2008

A Manifestation of Violent Tendencies...

I had a dream. Unfortunately it wasn't as lofty or grandiose as "other" dreams that you may have heard of. It was one of those dreams where you wake up simultaneously disturbed, curious, emotional, and confused as to whether it meant something or if it was just all the flu medicine I've been ingesting the last few days.

It was night. Shadowy and dark but I could see really well. I think it was a forest? Or maybe a field...and I'm running and running and running. At first I don't know why but I know I'm running for a reason, when suddenly I spot him. And now I know I'm not merely running but chasing him and he is running away from me. Finally I get him cornered against a bush or a wall or *shrug*. And he turns around and looks at me, and I can see those eyes of his. Even in the dark they are a warm golden brown and I almost melt. But instead I pull out a gun and I point it at him and he is staring at it. He says "if you're really gonna do this, then at least tell me you love me". I stop for a split second and I think, then I say "no". Simply that. And I pull the trigger. As I shoot, he turns suddenly so that I ended up shooting him in the back.

The sound of the gun shot was so loud in my dream that I woke myself up. It took me a second to convince my subconcious that I was just dreaming and when the fact finally clicked in my head I started to cry. I can't even begin to explain why...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. The whole thing so disturbed me that I called up a psychology doctorate friend of mine, as well as two other friends to ask them what they thought of it. They were all in accordance that it seemed my inner 'Id' was telling me that I still loved him and want him back but I know I shouldn't and I feel that the only way to stop feeling that way about him is to resort to drastic measures. Scary!

My doctor friend even suggested that maybe the reason it bugged me so much for so many days after is because he "died" without ever knowing how I really felt. So I texted him the next day and told him that "I had a disturbing dream and felt the need to say something to [him] but I would really appreciate it if he didn't say anything back to me...that I do love and miss [him]". I won't tell you what he said back but I did feel really good about my actions.

Regardless of what the dream meant, if it meant anything at all I'm glad that in the off-chance that he should die today (not as a result of anything I would do) that he knows how I feel.

It was all about closure maybe?

Or maybe I need to lay off the meds...

Update: I just read this on one of the blogs I follow. I swear she is so smart about these things, and just manages to put words to all my thoughts. Here is an exerpt, but for the rest of the blog go check out her page.

"...We want to make sure we've left our mark. We don't want to be just one of many. We want to be the one that got away. The one that you still think about at night, regardless of who is lying next to you. We want to be the relationship that you compare all the others to.

And we want this (even though we know it's unrealistic because most guys don't think like that) because we need it to feel better about ourselves. And about how much you meant to us

Even if you want the best for someone, and you know in your heart the best isn't you? You still want them to remember. Even if you're happier now than you ever were with them, you want them to remember. And any time I see him, I want to look damn good. Because he'll remember.If you've been loved by me, you don't forget it"

by Tia, Clever Girl Goes Blog

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