Sunday, January 25, 2009

When friendship is the line...

I just had an ex...THE ex...LE HIM...ask me for advice concerning his new girlfriend. Odd right? Most people (and by people I mean girls...and some men too I suppose) would tell the ex in question to take a flying leap. At first I told him that I know we are civil and that we can usually discuss most topics but that I respectfully abstain from that particular conversation. Then he played up to my curiousity (just consider me the damn cat, SPLAT...dead!) and said something that was guaranteed to hook my interest so of course I told him to go ahead and tell me what his problems were. But being a girl I changed my mind a couple hours later and told him that I wasn't ready, not strong enough yet to hear about his little lady love.

Long story short thru a series of unasked questions and volunteered answers I did end up finding out what the issues were and unknowingly giving advice. That isn't my point however.

We had been close friends for years and years...then best friends...before we even decided to pursue a relationship with each other. Because of our history together, I fell for him. I mean I fell HARD. HARD! I thought that because he was my best friend, that I was safe and he would never never hurt me. Of course this story would suck if it ended happily ever after. Fortunately for you and this blog post it didn't. He broke my heart as only he could...because as the song goes "he's the only one who had enough of it to break my heart". It took me 3 months after certain...incidents...came to light to be brave enough to end it with him. It was another 5 months after that before I went a whole day without bursting out crying for no reason or crying myself to sleep or missing him so much that I thought about going back. Now here I stand, almost exactly a year later and though I knew I had to cross it eventually, I never really expected it to happen.

It was a step...a step past that friendship line that we all strive to cross when we've had our hearts broken...and it feels...well, it feels weird. I didn't want to hear about his girlfriend because I thought it would hurt, but you know what? It didn't! Sure I felt a little twinge in the corners of my gut, but other than that...nothing! No hate, no animosity towards the girl, not even that used to be familiar need to be loved by him that I used to feel all the time. In fact, I surprised myself by feeling kinda sorry for them to be going thru their little problems.

There were many lessons to be learned this last year. Among them was above all else, be true to yourself. Don't trust too easily or be too uncautious when giving your heart away. And of course, relationships can't stand on love alone. That's my favorite one because you know what? I will always miss the love I gave him and the love I thought I received back. I will never regret giving him all of my heart because it did me good in the long run. And even though I'll probably always love him, I will never be in love with him because I can never trust him again (well, maybe not never...but it will take a ginormously huge miracle and all the planets plus pluto aligning for me to be convinced to trust him again).

I don't know if this means I've truly mended, or if it just means that my heart broke so badly it couldn't possibly be hurt (by him) anymore. My best buddy Mr. A would probably say that it means I've moved on, that Im no longer in the delusion that we will be together ever again and that I've accepted it and am happy with it. I'll take any of the above.

15 comments:

Sassy Britches said...

Heck, yeah! Take whatever explanation you can get and run with it! I am always one to over-analyze and make myself nuts, but I wholeheartedly believe that it would be a mistake to mess with all that when you're clearly in a GOOD spot. Do not worry why you are feeling okay with all of this and focus instead on the things you noted: how far you've come this year, being true to yourself, relationships not standing on love alone. Such wonderful life lessons that you would not have known had you not had this experience. I'm happy that you're in a good place!

Felisa said...

Stories like these are why I'm so commitment-phobic. The truth is, I'm not scared of commitment... I'm scared that once I decide to commit and abandon all logic to love, the other person will take that as an opportunity to break my heart. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if a best friend breaks my heart like that guy did to you. I'm glad you're being strong about it and that you're finally somewhat moving on. It takes time, of course. As they say, breaking up is a process, not an event. :)

Chris said...

This is a great epiphany. Hitting the "Wow....he/she can't hurt me anymore" is rather freeing. It's kind of like when they create "burn lines" to keep forest fires from advancing.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have blamed you if you intentionally gave him bad advice like, "No really, us gals LOVE it when you fart and pull the covers over our heads. Do that, she'll think it's hilarious!" :)

Bella@That damn expat said...

This is good, being so level headed and cool after giving relationship advice to THE ex. But, don't let it become a habit.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

5 months before you stopped having breakdowns?! Is that it? I don’t mean to dilute your suffering but one time, I had a bad break up that cost me an entire year of my life. I'm not bragging. Rather ashamed to admit it, really. Glad to hear it has worked out, though. You’re very advanced for someone so young.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

You have grown up. I am so happy for you and proud of you.
You admitted all that and are in shock that you felt nothing??!! Maturity baby-it comes and hits you on the ass when you least expect it!
Good for you!
And I second Bela's advice-but I think HE may be the one who may not have moved on...

Bella@That damn expat said...

I missed you so much I'm coming over twice in one day! I gave you an award.

..:: C ::.. said...

You're right, I would probably say that.. ;) There's always that proud feeling though when you figure it out yourself, feel good about it, and don't have to be kicked in the rear to get the point.. Patience is definitely a virtue, which is why, despite my little Cali version, I still ended up single for about 3 years. I doubt you'll need that long, but just keep your head up and live life. Something will pop up when you're ready.

words words words said...

Good for you! It took me a long time to get over my ex, and I'M the one that broke up with HER. It's very freeing when you get to that point where you realize they don't hold your heart hostage anymore.

A great story, too :)

~E said...

Sassy/Felisa: Thanks, I guess I'm all growed up!

Chris: I thought about it...I really really did. But I figured being the mature one is the role I'd rather play.

Bella: oh, don't worry...it wont. I didn't call him (in fact I hardly ever contact him...he always contacts me).

UB: It was 5 months before I stopped having a break down EVERYDAY. And that was a month and a half of seeing a therapist that caused it.

Candy/C/Words: I figured everyone would be empathetic, because who hasn't gotten their hearts broken right? Thanks!

Sabrae Carter said...

Hey I felt the same way about my wife. I thought that the loving woman that I knew I wanted to spend my life with could NEVER hurt me. But she did. And to this day it takes a LOT for me to still get past it and its been two years. But I stayed...

sid said...

Shit this made me cry ... No words of wisdom from me.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm glad it doesn't hurt so much, anymore. You have a really nice writing style.

Amanda said...

Yeah, I'm back - sorta.
I hate trying to edit layouts on blogspot. Sucky. My current myspace default pic is one of your masterpieces, by the way. :)

Amanda said...

So my opinion is biased...in both directions, strangely. I believe in true love and that even when it falls apart, it comes back together (and we know why I believe that) but as your HQ, I'm glad you've come to this point and determined what you do and don't deserve. I'll say "Never say never" but I will also say that my ninja skills could use some honing on any well-deserving individuals.