When friendship is the line...

I just had an ex...THE ex...LE HIM...ask me for advice concerning his new girlfriend. Odd right? Most people (and by people I mean girls...and some men too I suppose) would tell the ex in question to take a flying leap. At first I told him that I know we are civil and that we can usually discuss most topics but that I respectfully abstain from that particular conversation. Then he played up to my curiousity (just consider me the damn cat, SPLAT...dead!) and said something that was guaranteed to hook my interest so of course I told him to go ahead and tell me what his problems were. But being a girl I changed my mind a couple hours later and told him that I wasn't ready, not strong enough yet to hear about his little lady love.

Long story short thru a series of unasked questions and volunteered answers I did end up finding out what the issues were and unknowingly giving advice. That isn't my point however.

We had been close friends for years and years...then best friends...before we even decided to pursue a relationship with each other. Because of our history together, I fell for him. I mean I fell HARD. HARD! I thought that because he was my best friend, that I was safe and he would never never hurt me. Of course this story would suck if it ended happily ever after. Fortunately for you and this blog post it didn't. He broke my heart as only he could...because as the song goes "he's the only one who had enough of it to break my heart". It took me 3 months after certain...incidents...came to light to be brave enough to end it with him. It was another 5 months after that before I went a whole day without bursting out crying for no reason or crying myself to sleep or missing him so much that I thought about going back. Now here I stand, almost exactly a year later and though I knew I had to cross it eventually, I never really expected it to happen.

It was a step...a step past that friendship line that we all strive to cross when we've had our hearts broken...and it feels...well, it feels weird. I didn't want to hear about his girlfriend because I thought it would hurt, but you know what? It didn't! Sure I felt a little twinge in the corners of my gut, but other than that...nothing! No hate, no animosity towards the girl, not even that used to be familiar need to be loved by him that I used to feel all the time. In fact, I surprised myself by feeling kinda sorry for them to be going thru their little problems.

There were many lessons to be learned this last year. Among them was above all else, be true to yourself. Don't trust too easily or be too uncautious when giving your heart away. And of course, relationships can't stand on love alone. That's my favorite one because you know what? I will always miss the love I gave him and the love I thought I received back. I will never regret giving him all of my heart because it did me good in the long run. And even though I'll probably always love him, I will never be in love with him because I can never trust him again (well, maybe not never...but it will take a ginormously huge miracle and all the planets plus pluto aligning for me to be convinced to trust him again).

I don't know if this means I've truly mended, or if it just means that my heart broke so badly it couldn't possibly be hurt (by him) anymore. My best buddy Mr. A would probably say that it means I've moved on, that Im no longer in the delusion that we will be together ever again and that I've accepted it and am happy with it. I'll take any of the above.