I had a dream. Unfortunately it wasn't as lofty or grandiose as "other" dreams that you may have heard of. It was one of those dreams where you wake up simultaneously disturbed, curious, emotional, and confused as to whether it meant something or if it was just all the flu medicine I've been ingesting the last few days.
It was night. Shadowy and dark but I could see really well. I think it was a forest? Or maybe a field...and I'm running and running and running. At first I don't know why but I know I'm running for a reason, when suddenly I spot him. And now I know I'm not merely running but chasing him and he is running away from me. Finally I get him cornered against a bush or a wall or *shrug*. And he turns around and looks at me, and I can see those eyes of his. Even in the dark they are a warm golden brown and I almost melt. But instead I pull out a gun and I point it at him and he is staring at it. He says "if you're really gonna do this, then at least tell me you love me". I stop for a split second and I think, then I say "no". Simply that. And I pull the trigger. As I shoot, he turns suddenly so that I ended up shooting him in the back.
The sound of the gun shot was so loud in my dream that I woke myself up. It took me a second to convince my subconcious that I was just dreaming and when the fact finally clicked in my head I started to cry. I can't even begin to explain why...but it seemed like a good idea at the time. The whole thing so disturbed me that I called up a psychology doctorate friend of mine, as well as two other friends to ask them what they thought of it. They were all in accordance that it seemed my inner 'Id' was telling me that I still loved him and want him back but I know I shouldn't and I feel that the only way to stop feeling that way about him is to resort to drastic measures. Scary!
My doctor friend even suggested that maybe the reason it bugged me so much for so many days after is because he "died" without ever knowing how I really felt. So I texted him the next day and told him that "I had a disturbing dream and felt the need to say something to [him] but I would really appreciate it if he didn't say anything back to me...that I do love and miss [him]". I won't tell you what he said back but I did feel really good about my actions.
Regardless of what the dream meant, if it meant anything at all I'm glad that in the off-chance that he should die today (not as a result of anything I would do) that he knows how I feel.
It was all about closure maybe?
Or maybe I need to lay off the meds...
-----
Update: I just read this on one of the blogs I follow. I swear she is so smart about these things, and just manages to put words to all my thoughts. Here is an exerpt, but for the rest of the blog go check out her page.
"...We want to make sure we've left our mark. We don't want to be just one of many. We want to be the one that got away. The one that you still think about at night, regardless of who is lying next to you. We want to be the relationship that you compare all the others to.
And we want this (even though we know it's unrealistic because most guys don't think like that) because we need it to feel better about ourselves. And about how much you meant to us
Even if you want the best for someone, and you know in your heart the best isn't you? You still want them to remember. Even if you're happier now than you ever were with them, you want them to remember. And any time I see him, I want to look damn good. Because he'll remember.If you've been loved by me, you don't forget it"
by Tia, Clever Girl Goes Blog http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.blogspot.com
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm Going For It!!!!!!
...my Masters Degree. In Secondary Education. YES!!!! Who knows? It might eventually lead to that Doctorate I've been pining for. But *stop*...one step at a time. I don't want to jinx myself. Especially since I've just started registering for all the prereq tests and lining up favors from friends to write me letters of recomendation. 
Hottie High School Science teacher?? I think that's achievable, hehehe.
It took me what? 3 years to figure out that no matter how much I love it, I DO NOT want to spend the rest of my life hunched over a microscope in a sterile room talking to bacteria and viruses. No sir! I'd rather inspire others during the most impressionable time in their lives to spend the rest of THEIR lives hunched over a microscope in a sterile room talking to whatever happened to grow in their petri dish. ;)
Wish me luck?
I couldn't have said it better myself...
No, it isn't exactly what I've been through...
Yes, there are some things in it I just can't relate to...
But I dare you not to nod your head in agreement, or cry a little bit at the end.
Clever Girl Goes Blog: http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html
One of my favorite blogs...
To to all the girls who've had their heart broken or are lucky enough and have yet to experience that pain. To all of us who cried till there were no tears left, screamed even when no one can hear, and thought about punching something (or someone) hard...so that they will feel as bad as you felt. And to all of us who got up, brushed ourselves off and moved on...to become the strong-ass chicks we all aspire to be.
GO READ IT!!!
Yes, there are some things in it I just can't relate to...
But I dare you not to nod your head in agreement, or cry a little bit at the end.
Clever Girl Goes Blog: http://www.clevergirlgoesblog.com/2008/09/gray-area.html
One of my favorite blogs...
To to all the girls who've had their heart broken or are lucky enough and have yet to experience that pain. To all of us who cried till there were no tears left, screamed even when no one can hear, and thought about punching something (or someone) hard...so that they will feel as bad as you felt. And to all of us who got up, brushed ourselves off and moved on...to become the strong-ass chicks we all aspire to be.
GO READ IT!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Exerpt 1: Heartbreaker by Julie Garwood
"Even though she was certain a lasting relationship was out of the question, she still ached to touch him. She loved him, God help her. How had she allowed herself to be so vulnerable? She should have seen it coming and done something, anything, to protect herself. It was too late now. When he left her, he was going to break her heart, and there wasn't anything she could do about it."
Friday, September 19, 2008
To TAT or not to TAT...
I just finished watching an episode of Miami (or was it L.A.?) Ink...
Ok, I lie! I watched roughly 5.7 minutes of it on the way to the Food Network (Ace of Cakes? Hurray!)...and I wanted to place my own social commentary on the subject of "Tattooing".
First of all, I like tattoos...I really do! But on this particular episode I am reminded once again how much of a trend tattooing has become! Don't get me wrong, I am just as much a follower of this particular trend as the next schmutz but at least I put more thought on my "tramp stamp" and "pelvic pleaser" than the chic on the episode (the 1/25 of it I watched like one would a car wreck). She chose to permanently imprint on her right side a picture of a donut, a cupcake, and an ice cream cone. Yes, that's right, a DONUT, a CUPCAKE, and an ICE CREAM CONE. Why? Because people have always told her she was "sweet". =/
Hmmm. Really, do I need to say anything more? Wait, I do! 65 year old grandma with baked good tattoos. Use your own imagination.
The second thing I wanted to touch upon was this: When I got my first tattoo, I gripped my friend's hand so hard I doubt he has regained the feeling in his fingers even to this day 2+ years later. I'm sure by the look on his face that my facial expressions accurately conveyed the God-awful pain of having a needle carve into your skin over and over and over again. When I got my second one my leg twitched so hard from my nerve endings revolting that finally the tattoo artist had to lean his body onto my legs to stop me from shaking.
Back to the 5.7 minutes of the show. From the look on this girl's face...in fact from the look and sound of everyone I've ever seen on shows like this, you would think their tattoos were being licked on by kittens. I mean seriously!
At first I was shocked and curious...maybe extra strength pain killers? maybe they all tippled from the whiskey bottle before their sessions? And then it occured to me. They were on camera! How much do you want to bet that if they weren't on national cable TV, they'd be grimacing and sweating and tearing up over what I KNOW to be a very painful experience. Well, maybe except for the men. And the ones on denial...
"Oh no, it didn't hurt at all... in fact I didn't want them to be done it felt so relaxing and fun!"
Psshhh!
Ok, I lie! I watched roughly 5.7 minutes of it on the way to the Food Network (Ace of Cakes? Hurray!)...and I wanted to place my own social commentary on the subject of "Tattooing".
First of all, I like tattoos...I really do! But on this particular episode I am reminded once again how much of a trend tattooing has become! Don't get me wrong, I am just as much a follower of this particular trend as the next schmutz but at least I put more thought on my "tramp stamp" and "pelvic pleaser" than the chic on the episode (the 1/25 of it I watched like one would a car wreck). She chose to permanently imprint on her right side a picture of a donut, a cupcake, and an ice cream cone. Yes, that's right, a DONUT, a CUPCAKE, and an ICE CREAM CONE. Why? Because people have always told her she was "sweet". =/
Hmmm. Really, do I need to say anything more? Wait, I do! 65 year old grandma with baked good tattoos. Use your own imagination.
The second thing I wanted to touch upon was this: When I got my first tattoo, I gripped my friend's hand so hard I doubt he has regained the feeling in his fingers even to this day 2+ years later. I'm sure by the look on his face that my facial expressions accurately conveyed the God-awful pain of having a needle carve into your skin over and over and over again. When I got my second one my leg twitched so hard from my nerve endings revolting that finally the tattoo artist had to lean his body onto my legs to stop me from shaking.
Back to the 5.7 minutes of the show. From the look on this girl's face...in fact from the look and sound of everyone I've ever seen on shows like this, you would think their tattoos were being licked on by kittens. I mean seriously!
At first I was shocked and curious...maybe extra strength pain killers? maybe they all tippled from the whiskey bottle before their sessions? And then it occured to me. They were on camera! How much do you want to bet that if they weren't on national cable TV, they'd be grimacing and sweating and tearing up over what I KNOW to be a very painful experience. Well, maybe except for the men. And the ones on denial...
"Oh no, it didn't hurt at all... in fact I didn't want them to be done it felt so relaxing and fun!"
Psshhh!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
7 Rules to a Successful Relationship...
Now don't get me wrong. I, in no means whatsoever, am NOT a relationship expert! In fact if I really sat down and thought about it...I consider myself 3 inches away from a relationship failure. With that said, I tend to rely on the wisdoms (and/or stupidity) of others to govern the way I go about my non-existent love life. Lacking a better segue into this blog, I'll just go ahead and present these...my 7 Rules to a Successful Relationship...as gathered from my vast and simultaneously limited experiences:
1. Do as your friends say, and not as they do.
Have you ever noticed that your friends always have the BEST advice, and always know what words to say to comfort you and make you feel better but then they turn around and make the same mistakes in their relationships? It's simple really. It is a lot easier to give good advice and know what to do when you are detached from the situation than when you're rolling around in the middle of it. Face it! You give great advice to your friends but do you ever follow your own advice? Of course not. When you let your heart govern your thoughts, your brain takes a back seat. So do yourself a favor...listen to your friends. In certain cases at least, they are smarter than you!
2. Get the girl and guy perspective to your questions.
I know you won't believe me when I say this but girls AND guys go thru relationship muck just as much as the next person. Really! For every girl who complains of so and so no good dillhole who left her and broke her heart, there is a guy hiding in a dark corner somewhere cursing the girl who did him wrong too. The only difference is, girls usually vent and whine more to their girlfriends and guy's tend to hold it all inside. It's always good to get a second perspective to life's big questions anyway and the benefit to having opposite sex input to life's more heartbreaking obstacles is not only to see the situation in a light that you hadn't thought to look at it from...but also sometimes it's nice to hear a man say "you're right, men ARE dillholes and I am ashamed to call myself one today". :)
3. Regardless of how off the cuff they sometimes tend to be...reading Dating articles and blogs is a good thing!
...if only for the amusement benefit they provide and to assure you that regardless of how crappy you are feeling about your latest failed attempt at love (or something along those lines) there are others out there going thru the same thing. And if you are lucky, sometimes their problems are bigger than yours! Here are a couple good ones. And this goes along with the whole guy girl perspective thing too so...read up buttercup!
Understanding Men: from the Relationship Doctor
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/blog/
Marie Clair Dating Blog: by Rich Santos
http://www.marieclaire.com/life/sex/dating/dating-red-flags-relationships
4. Ain't no such thing as a mistake in love...just a lesson learned.
If you look at every bad, failed, torturous relationship as an opportunity for learning...eventually you will realize that you take something good away from even the worst dating experiences of your life. Trust me on that! With every horrible date you start to build a list of what you want and what you don't want in a guy (or girl) and what you can and cannot live without in a long term commitment.
5. For goodness' sake DON'T LOSE HOPE!
--as promised, I dedicate this blog to Mr. Anderson [I presume] ;) my late night relationship guru!
1. Do as your friends say, and not as they do.
Have you ever noticed that your friends always have the BEST advice, and always know what words to say to comfort you and make you feel better but then they turn around and make the same mistakes in their relationships? It's simple really. It is a lot easier to give good advice and know what to do when you are detached from the situation than when you're rolling around in the middle of it. Face it! You give great advice to your friends but do you ever follow your own advice? Of course not. When you let your heart govern your thoughts, your brain takes a back seat. So do yourself a favor...listen to your friends. In certain cases at least, they are smarter than you!
2. Get the girl and guy perspective to your questions.
I know you won't believe me when I say this but girls AND guys go thru relationship muck just as much as the next person. Really! For every girl who complains of so and so no good dillhole who left her and broke her heart, there is a guy hiding in a dark corner somewhere cursing the girl who did him wrong too. The only difference is, girls usually vent and whine more to their girlfriends and guy's tend to hold it all inside. It's always good to get a second perspective to life's big questions anyway and the benefit to having opposite sex input to life's more heartbreaking obstacles is not only to see the situation in a light that you hadn't thought to look at it from...but also sometimes it's nice to hear a man say "you're right, men ARE dillholes and I am ashamed to call myself one today". :)
3. Regardless of how off the cuff they sometimes tend to be...reading Dating articles and blogs is a good thing!
...if only for the amusement benefit they provide and to assure you that regardless of how crappy you are feeling about your latest failed attempt at love (or something along those lines) there are others out there going thru the same thing. And if you are lucky, sometimes their problems are bigger than yours! Here are a couple good ones. And this goes along with the whole guy girl perspective thing too so...read up buttercup!
Understanding Men: from the Relationship Doctor
http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com/blog/
Marie Clair Dating Blog: by Rich Santos
http://www.marieclaire.com/life/sex/dating/dating-red-flags-relationships
4. Ain't no such thing as a mistake in love...just a lesson learned.
If you look at every bad, failed, torturous relationship as an opportunity for learning...eventually you will realize that you take something good away from even the worst dating experiences of your life. Trust me on that! With every horrible date you start to build a list of what you want and what you don't want in a guy (or girl) and what you can and cannot live without in a long term commitment.
5. For goodness' sake DON'T LOSE HOPE!
I believe that not only does everything happen for a reason, but that things happen in their own time. Be patient. Just because 5 out of your 7 friends are all married with children at 25 doesn't mean it will never happen for you. We all need to grow on our own, learn to take care of ourselves, and learn to love who we are before we can take care and love another person. And as they say "the best things in life are worth the wait".
6. Don't blame a new love, for the things that an old love did. Keep an open mind.
I know it sucks and it's hard as hell to trust again after having your trust betrayed so completely that you find yourself cursing your ex's name fore...I'm sorry, I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah. Just because your ex cheated on you and broke your heart, doesn't automatically mean all guys (or girls) are horrible cheating liars that can't be trusted. I don't mean be naive and ignore the warning signs, but keep an open mind. More often than not, love and all the answers you are looking for is staring you right in the face but you just don't see it. When one door closes, sometimes we look so hard at that door that we don't see the window that's opened to us.
7. To thine own self be true.
Need I say more? What it all comes down to in the end is you. Only you know what is right for you. Trust your heart and when everyone else fails you, don't ever let you fail yourself.--as promised, I dedicate this blog to Mr. Anderson [I presume] ;) my late night relationship guru!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
A Melancholy kind of day...
Pre-Script: It's just a song. Don't think about it too hard, you'll hurt yourself.
Fallin by Alicia Keys
I keep on fallin, in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you,
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good,
At times I feel used.
Lovin' you darlin', makes me so confused
I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you
Oh, I... never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure,
And cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start on fallin back in love with you
I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you...you
Fallin by Alicia Keys
I keep on fallin, in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you,
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good,
At times I feel used.
Lovin' you darlin', makes me so confused
I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you
Oh, I... never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure,
And cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start on fallin back in love with you
I keep on fallin', in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I'm lovin' you...you
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
What's your "happy"?
I just finished emailing back and forth with a friend of mine and the last thing we discussed (kinda) was the subject of happiness. Basically, he said that he was glad I was happy and that he was "happy that [I am] happy". And you know what? I really appreciated that. I told him that the key to being happy is to find your own sunshine, as opposed to relying on others to create it for you.
After we stopped emailing (or rather after he stopped replying to me, I assume he fell asleep) I got to thinking what makes me happy on a daily basis. And the answer was quite surprising. You know how they always say that most people find pleasure in the simplest things? Well, the one thing that makes me happy everyday is to open up my computer, turn on my internet, and see the "Slideshow of Beaches" widget on my home page. That and to log onto my favorite webcomics "Cyanide and Happiness" and "XKCD" and laugh hysterically at whatever dry humored joke they come up with.
After we stopped emailing (or rather after he stopped replying to me, I assume he fell asleep) I got to thinking what makes me happy on a daily basis. And the answer was quite surprising. You know how they always say that most people find pleasure in the simplest things? Well, the one thing that makes me happy everyday is to open up my computer, turn on my internet, and see the "Slideshow of Beaches" widget on my home page. That and to log onto my favorite webcomics "Cyanide and Happiness" and "XKCD" and laugh hysterically at whatever dry humored joke they come up with.
That's it. Simple but reliable...No matter how crappy I may be feeling at whatever lemon life has decided to chuck at me on any given day, I can always manage a smile by seeing those two things.
So I guess the purpose of this blog is to encourage everyone to think about what makes them happy. The simple pleasures in life if you will, and really learn to appreciate them for what they are.
~The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. --James Openheim~
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