BOOO!

The Seething Pot of Wonderfulness that is late late late night TV...

Thought question: What do you do at 3am when you're bored out of your mind and can't sleep?

Thought answer: Watch late night TV of course!

Here's the thing tho... The reason all those shows are given the "prime" spot between 230am and 430am is because nobody but insomniacs who have no other choice (ME) and drunk people waiting to pass out (also sometimes ME) is awake at that time. Let's look at our (my) meager selection shall we?

1) Evangelical Bible stuff:

I can only stand to watch about 35 to 45 seconds of this stuff on my way to other channels. Now don't get me wrong, I am as religious if not more so than most people. I actually go to church every Sunday (unless Im really sick in which case I still go, only someone has to carry my sick ass over) but I just can't place too much validity on TV Evangelists who devote 90% of their time thumping disabled people on the head, knocking them down, and then helping them back up all the while having them proclaim "oh lordy I can walk! I can WALK!". It just seems so Hollywood to me. Not to mention the fact that every other sentence they say is punctuated with a "oh Jesus!" Relax Mr. TV Evangelist dude...I don't think you have to yell His name that loudly...I'm pretty sure He hears you!

2)Infomercials (see also #5):

Probably because it's been proven that when people are sleepy they make even dumber decisions than when they are drunk. And we've already established that only sleepy people and drunkards are actually awake to see this crap so it's a win-win situation for them! Case in point, in 10 minutes and after scrolling thru 50 channels, I found these wonderfull products that you just can't live without! Cat Genie (which automatically scoops up cat poo)...Automatic Plant Waterer (for when you have no friends to water your plants for you while on vacation)...Miracle Makeup (to cover those wrinkles and varicose veins in your legs)...Ped Egg (to scrape away all those nasty corns and bunions on your tootsies)...and the list goes on and on and on!

3)People (fat people...see that South Park episode with Sally Struthers for reference) asking for just .40 cents a day to feed children:

Now here's the thing...why would you air something like this at bumfuck a.m. when no one can see it? Why not show them starving little children with huge teary eyes at dinner time when people are settling down with their meat and potato laden plates to watch TV. It's called GUILT and it works!

4)Exercise equipment and videos. and more exercise equipment and videos:

Gone is the days of Richard Simmons sweating with the oldies. Now all you see are 60 year old grandmas with abs you can grate cheese on. And "personal triumph stories" of people who lost a gajillion amount of weight in 30 seconds or less. And of course you too can be on your way to a flatter tummy and leaner thighs if only you'll spend half your monthly pay check and purchase whatever machine or video they are selling. This stuff is so effective that all you have to do is shell out the cash! You don't even have to watch it or anything, and never mind actually getting up early to work out because HECK you're awake to see this commercial and there aint no way you'll haul your lazy butt out of bed in 2 hours to run!

5)Enzyte/Viagra type commercials:

Apparently when I said only tired people and drunks are up this late, I neglected to mention that a goodly percentage of the said tired people and drunks are also in need of penile enlargement products. Hmmm...I was gonna add some witty comment here but sadly I find myself "lacking" in social commentary about a topic I have a real "shortcoming" in. I suppose instead of blogging it out, I should "bust my balls" and "head" on out to Google to study up on it.

250am...maybe if I hurry I'll catch that Ped Egg commercial!

Like "day-old-tuna" fishy...

Who wouldn't crap their pants if they got a random text at 12:09am from a number you don't know that said "I'm alone too". I meant crap my pants proverbially of course, I haven't crapped my pants since I was...well...nevermind. My point is, it was creepy and I was kinda scared. I texted Mr. Anderson [I presume] to figure out what I should do and he came to the conclusion much faster than me that the whole situation was "beee essss" and it was probably some goober friends of mine bored out of their minds pranking me.

...have I ever mentioned how I have the bestest friends in the whole world?

Anyhoo, this is how the convo went (kinda...Im too lazy to post everything and I've taken some liberties in recalling the exact text)

Me: who is this?

Random dude/dudette: I met you at [insert local bar here] and you gave me your business card

Me: I've never been to [insert local bar here] so whoever it was who gave you my card, it wasn't me.

R.d/d: What are you doing for halloween? Honestly we should get together

Me: send me a pic or something so I know who you are

R.d/d: Im too shy

Me: Bullshit! You're a creepy weirdo who's out to stalk me and I am warning you I'll punch you in the eye if you come anywhere near me! (<--ok so I didn't really say that...but I would have if I wasn't so scared they'd actually stalk me...what I really said was-->) Well, I don't know who this is and I really don't remember handing my card out to you.

R.d/d: I'm off on Friday, we should have lunch

Me: I appreciate the offer but no, since I don't remember you I think this is all a joke or someone pranking me.

R.d/d: no reply.

So I don't know...hopefully that's the end of it. But interestingly enough Le BLT texted me goodnight about 5 minutes after I sent out that last text. Hmmm....as Mr. Anderson said "fiiishy". I hear ya Mr. Anderson...super super fishy!

Just in case Random dude/dudette is reading this and is planning on stalking me can I just say that I am constantly followed by a 6'4 african american former linebacker named "Grid Iron Gary" who will tackle you into the ground and pound you into a bloody paste should you so much as breathe at me wrong.

And if you are reading this and are 6'4 and african american and looks as if he could have played football at one point or another in his life and don't mind being called "Grid Iron Gary"...please give me a call or send me an email. I may have an exciting job offer for you!

Hold on to those barf bags...this is gonna be a long one!

For some reason, everything worth blogging about all decided to hit me at once. Not only did I decide to do a weekly themed update blog and have been hoarding all my blog ideas just for this day alone, but a lot of other random blogworthy topics decided to rear their ugly faces (thus saving me from having to manufacture, or *gasp* recycle old ideas to fill up some blog that no one reads anyway).

Anyhoo...if you all are seated and comfortable with beverages and food, let's get started:


~The whole reason I was going to put up a blog today is to start off my NEW MUSIC WEDNESDAYS! Here's the first one...and by the way, I don't care if you've heard it before! It's all new to me!

Lady GaGa -- Poker Face

~Le premier Bro-han called with new tat ideas for my third tattoo. That's right, I've got a couple but really...nowadays who doesn't? You dissaprove? Well look closely, this is the face of someone who doesn't care! Once he finalizes the design I'll post them on here. In fact, how about I get all your inputs about where I should put it! Any input will be welcome (read: lame attempt at increasing the amount of blog comments).

~Guess who is the newest contributor over at a new blog? Well, actually since it's a new blog technically everyone is a new contributor. My buddy Mr. Anderson over at Life on the Crawl set up a new blog called Favorite Eats. It's all about tried and true recipes guaranteed not to kill you or send you conversing with ye olde toilet Gods. Should be pretty interesting since it comes at a time when I'm facing my fear of the cooking demons and channeling my inner Julia Child (except I'm asian...and not old or 6ft. tall...so I guess not really Julia Child. More like a non annoying Rachel Ray).

~So as all of you know I'm boring and have no life so I augment my daily humdrum life by following a bunch of blogs. There were a couple really funny posts today so I'm gonna go ahead and pimp them out. If you read their blogs make sure you tell them who sent you. I'm kinda hoping if I send enough people their way, I'll win a prize! :)

Your Beard is Good: Hate is a Strong Word but I really really really don't like you!
Some Guy's Blog: Just call him "Poo Pants"
Lots Better than Your Blog: Anything from this chic is golden. Purely hysterical!

~I've decided to finally use my iPod after receiving it as a gift some 7 months ago. Yeah, ludicrous how I'm just now getting addicted to it huh? But in my defense (just so you don't think I'm some lousy luddite) I did have one of the first iPod mini's all throughout college but I got so sick and tired of trying to navigate the damn iTunes that I gave it up. Anyway, if any of you have any suggestions for songs to download or podcasts to subscribe to then please feel free to swamp my comment inbox...remember, I have no life so here I sit...patiently waiting...

~So I got a call from HIM last night. Nice to catch up. Really. Maybe later I'll write a big post about it complete with feelings and emotions and all those stupid girly things that stupid girls want to talk about but for now I'll just leave it at that. Oh, I did want to say that the contract I made about waiting two days before saying stuff that's on my mind? Definitely saving my ass and my sanity.

Ahhh Mitch! How I miss your wit!

Taken from one of the last standup specials by the late great Mitch Hedberg...twitch on, my bruddah!



"I gotta write these jokes so I sit at the hotel at night and think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down... Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of aint funny."



"I don't stay at the bed and breakfast and I don't think I would. Cuz I figured if you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair-lunch-dinner! See I'm gonna open up a chain of chair-lunch-dinners and put them right across the street from the bed and breakfasts. I'd say 'come on over about 1, but you gotta leave at 11 cuz you ain't sleepin in the chair'."



"You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy but often times they use too many letters? Give us a call down here at 1-800-I really enjoy carpeting! It's too many letters, man! Must I dial them all? 'Hello?' Hold on! I'm only on enjoy! How did you know I was calling? You're good! I can see why they hired you!"



"I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes, only they were repossesed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man! Those would be hard to sneak away! *knock knock* 'HI! Could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for half an hour?' "



"You know when they have fishing shows on TV they catch the fish then let them go? They don't wanna eat the fish, they just wanna make it late for something. Where were you?? I got caught! Liar! Let me see the inside of your lip!"



"Dogs are forever in the pushup position"



"Advil has a candy coating...it's delicious. But it says right on the bottle: do not ingest more than two. Then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself! Let me have ten advil! I got a sweet tooth!"



"I saw this product on TV that makes it easier to water your hard to reach plants. Who would put a plant somewhere hard to reach? That seems so mean. 'I know you need water but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will just throw water at you! Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel up and die.' "



"I would imagine if you can understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy! You'd say SHUT UP I don't understand! "share" "the" "we" "too" I don't get it!"



"I saw this ad that said 'you can have this product for 4 easy payments of $19.95'. I would like to see a product for 3 easy payments and 1 complicated payment. We won't tell you which one it is but one of these payments will be HARD!"



"I find that ducks' oppionion of me depend very much on whether or not I have bread."

"You are such dead meat you filthy face eating piranha" and other funny stuff that people say....

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Mr. Anderson [I presume]:

"Cuz I got game like that! I can pick up a sober person!"

~from the mouth of my dearest friend Josh (and don't you all be emailing me your politics!!! I don't care and won't read it):

"I'd rather crawl thru broken glass from here to Canada than placing my life in Sarah Palin's hands in the eventuality that McCain bites it! I mean, he's like...really...old!"

~from the mouth of some random person at work as she replies to my comment about how I hate being as short and small as I am:

"Short is such a dirty depressing word! You're just space efficient dear...very space efficient"

~from the mouth of Mitch Hedberg, may he rest in peace:

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?"

~overheard from the check out lane at a RadioShack:

"you know what, on second thought just give me all the 14 gauge butt connectors you have. In my line of work you really can't have too many!"

~overheard from the check out lane at a Safeway:

"Mommy! I found leftover penis on the floor!"

Update: Never knew cooking was so daring!

Ok update on my last blog. I gave in and asked my mother this morning what her recipe book said. Here is the conversation verbatim:


Me: Mom, what does this say right here? *pointing*

Mom: Why? You can't read my writing?

Me: Yeah that's it Mom...I just can't read your writing...yep!

Mom: It's 1 can of evaporated milk. You know, "1 can EVAP"

Me: *stunned* OHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yeah ok that makes sense!

Mom: Why what did you think it said?

Me: Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Never knew cooking was so daring!

As I was copying recipes from my mother's recipe book, I came across a recipe for my favorite dessert. Look closely now:

Wow, and you can't even taste it! I wonder if you can get those at Safeway.

Another sad sad song...

...for all you sad sad people! No really, I kid... I just finished reading my daily dose of blog heaven and out of the 15 or so blogs that I am addicted to, 5 of them had something to do with relationships or the lack of a relationship or confusion about a relationship. Perhaps sometime in the near future (when Im not so hungry that my stomach is yelling at me or too tired to blink) I'll discuss it here further and maybe insert my own brand of wit and observation to my favorite topic. Loooovvve!

But for now, just listen to this and don't forget to smile! Because dammit, you deserve to!

Leona Lewis -- Better in Time

It's been the longest winter without you,
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you.
After all that we've been thru.

Going, coming.
Thought I heard a knock.
Who's there? No one.
Thinking that I deserved it.
Now I realise that I really didn't know.
If you didn't notice you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gonna be ok.

Thought I couldn't live without you.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too.
It will all get better in time.
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to.
It will all get better in time.

I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something there to remind me.
Was it all that easy?
To just put aside your feelings.

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh.
Hurt my feelings but that's the path I believe in.
And I know that time will heal it.
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again.
All I know is I'm gonna be ok.

Since there's no more you and me.
It's time I let you go, so I can be free.
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you.
Yes, I will!

I've heard them called "the funnies"...

This image and copyrights belong to Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net.

Now that all the legal mumbo jumbo is out of the way, please feel free to "laugh out loud".

Oh, by the way, you have to scroll the comic to the right or click on it to go to the original website...I still haven't figured out how to stretch my screen to accomodate the whole damn thing, but once I do...LOOK OUT!

The Joy? of Cooking...

I felt the need to call attention to the fact that I...E from E-Deconstructed...cooked tonight!

Yes, COOKED. Not baked, but honest to God on the stove with pots and pans and cooking oil COOKED!

For 4 people...


By myself...


For the first time...EVER!


Its been 4 hours and no one has died yet, and no one (to my knowledge) has made a mad dash for the bathroom...And the house stands with nary a burn or singe to be found!

I consider it a mighty success.

Hooray for me!!!!

Another thing to jump up (jump up and get down... Oh c'mon!!! It's that one song from that one rap band from a long time ago!?? Nothing?? FINE!) and cheer for me about: I had a really nice day with a new friend yesterday. And guess what?!? He actually wants to see me again!

So here's to not sending another male packing his bags, cancelling credit cards, burning off fingerprints, running off to the hills screaming for their lives (and other such things that people who are trying to avoid other people like the plague do)...

*MINI WAVE FOR ME*

Stuff I now know, that I had not known before...Pt. 1

~Bourbon is Whiskey...except that it's charcoal filtered. Which apparently makes it better? Correct me please all you bourbon/whiskey drinkers. Does this mean I have no liquor sophistication because I don't like the taste of backyard grill in my drinks? Also, I hear that Scotch is also Whiskey except it's from Scotland.

~Apparently, in the movie "Some like it Hot!" (it's from the 50's) Marilyn Monroe is pushing a size 14! She still looks damn hot! And that famous white dress in "The 7 Year Itch"?? Size 10! Gives hope to all us full figured, non-stick thin girlies :) Now if I can only get away with the blonde hair I'll be good to go.

~Driving home from church today I see this on a sign at a dry cleaners: "Now till November, all wedding dressdrapes 50 percen toff". It's sad when disillusioned former brides have to pull a reverse Scarlett O'hara ala. Gone With the Wind and make drapes out of their wedding dresses. *shakes head*. Also reminds us that when it comes to public displays and signs, spacing is KEY!

~True story: 9 out of 10 men agree, if they were to wake up one day as a woman...they would never leave the house. Not out of embarassment or shock...but because they'd strip naked and stare at their boobs in front of the mirror all day. What happened to the 10th man? Gender reassignment.

To all Animal Lovers...

Not that I think more than 3.5 people read my blog on a daily basis, but this was for a good cause and I firmly believe in exponential growth.

"Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple… Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (How about 20 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box ‘fund food for animals’ for free. This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.
Here’s the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS !!!"

p.s. The ".5" of 3.5 is Me. Since it's my blog I don't think it's fair to count me as a whole person :)

Non Blog...

I wanna be in love again darnit!!!

But guys (especially the one who unknowingly keeps pick-pick-pickin away at me) are such dillholes! MEN! Can't love em, can't get away with shootin em'.

[except of course for Mr. Anderson-I-presume...he gets it! Darn those dillholey girls too, huh C?! Bring me back a large alcoholic beverage from Vegas will ya? Put it in your carry on.]

GRRRR!!!!

There's no blog here. In fact, this is probably just a result of insomnia (it's 3am...who's surprised?? no one?? me neither!) and pms and I'll probably just end up taking this down in a few days anyway.

Do me a favor? If you read this (does anyone actually read this?) take some time off of your undoubtedly busy and rewarding lives to send me some love? Text, email, blog comment, note rubberbanded to a brick thrown thru my bedroom window? S'all good. Your kindheartedness will definitely be rewarded in heaven (or hell, depending on the kind of love you send me).

On and another thing.

I love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cfahXQh-X8.

And this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kAUt3K1pPU. And yes, before you ask, I DO understand the song.

They're so hot and heavy...totally what I'd listen to while...well, ya know...procreating (in a dirty manner of course...none of that nandy-panby tears in your eyes because it was all so beautiful crap) with that special someone.

Is that weird?

Ok I'm done.

My psychic tells me...

So I get these daily horoscope things sent to my phone every morning...

[Don't you judge me you lousy judger!!!!]

And today's horoscope said:

"You'll have a good day of reaching out and touching. Your ability to connect is a great way to launch something excitingly new"

It could just be that this was sent to me as a text at 730am when I was still bleary eyed from sleep and my brain wasn't up to it's usual super speed...but I read it as somewhat pervy. I mean c'mon! REACHING OUT and TOUCHING???

Now for the really funny part. I got home early from work today because we had a training meeting. The subject? Workplace ethics and sexual harassment!

Hehehe. Need I say more?

The things that annoy me and why...PT 1

My mother and grandmother are great cooks. Awesome cooks! But I am annoyed that when I ask them to teach me, phrases like these keep turning up:

"and just let it sit there till it looks done"

"turn up the heat till it feels hot enough"

or my personal favorite "just add [insert spice or ingredient here] as much as it needs but not too much".

=/

I would think that if I had the ingrained ability to telepathically tell how much spice a dish needs or how long to "let it sit there till its done" that I wouldn't need cooking lessons right?

Bah!

JUMP start....

See you all on the other side to a fitter, tighter, more toned me in just (180) minutes a day! Gone are the saggy butts, flabby tummy, and unflatteringly non-chiseled jaw chub.

I am pumped! I am stoked!! I am PSYCHED!!!

I am embarking on a 7 week regiment of healthy eating and working out. I am only 10 pounds and 2 dress sizes away from my goal. I WILL run 3 miles a day with no complaint! (Run wussy run!!!! There is no walking here!!!! ) I will push-up, sit-up, and power pilates my way to a better me! I WILL reach my goal weight by the time the 7 weeks are done because I have the potential and the willpower to see it thru. I am getting a jump start on what is probably the most common and yet least realized New Years Resolution. I am going on overdrive people!!! And nothing will stand in my way!

Yep yep...I am on the verge of a new healthier lifestyle that will start IMMEDIATELY!!!

...

Right after this cookie...

...

And maybe this one too...

The 6 stages???

...hmmm. Maybe this is what's been going wrong in all my relationships! I didn't follow the stages and instead was skipping around willy-nilly with no regard for the proper succession! And me being the good researcher/science geek and all...

Follow the steps, E. Follow the STEPS!! That's the ticket!

The 6 Stages of a Relationship:
1) Spend the night
2) Spend the weekend
3) Exchange keys
4) Sexy weekend getaway
5) Extended vacation
6) Live together.

----------
Update: No people, I did NOT make this list up. I was watching an episode of Bones and one of the characters made this up. It was just late enough at night, and I was just tired enough to think it was amusing and so decided to share it with you folks. 'tis all!

Calling all snooty people...

From the Heart...

I have this friend who called me late a few nights ago because he was very upset. Let's face it, who else is awake at 0230 right? Anyway, we talked and I listened and gave great advice like I always do.

I won't bore you with the details but I got to thinking about how I really should start following my own advice. I've been trying to detach myself from someone because I was uncomfortable with the thought that this person is seeing/sleeping with/dating/lunching other girls and I figured instead of trying to pretend to be all cool with it and pretending that we were back to being "just friends" again that I'd just avoid him all together. I didn't want to be the girl who can't take a hint and can't leave him alone. It made sense at the time but it sounds stupid now on paper. I got really...upset...and weirded out when I heard about his current girl-friend. Hard as I tried to ignore it and be mature, I got super SUPER jealous and insecure, I won't lie.

Then I realized, you know what? I've been dating too and if he was ok with it, why shouldn't I be? It's not that he was ok with me dating because he meant more to me than I did to him...there's no way for me to know that. But what I do know is people handle situations differently. He needs to have connections just as much as the next person, and he wants to be happy as much as I do. Exactly what accomplishes that goal, however is different for each of us. And I wanted...want...him to be happy. I figured if I stopped tiptoeing around the issue and accept it then I'd be much more content...and I am! Besides I'm still damn glad "He and I" happened despite how it ended.

I guess I just had to resign myself and accept that it's human nature to want things we either can't have or want things back that we once had. You know what I mean? I wanted what we used to be but once I told myself even if we got back together that it wouldn't be the same then I guess I became ok with the situation as it stands. And there's no going back to being friends like we used to be before "we" happened. We just need to find a new category that we both fit into with each other and that will take time. I don't mind, I've got time I'm willing to invest :) All I can do is support him as much as I can and wish him luck that whoever he is with (or will be with) will be better for him than I was, and to let him know how much I still love and miss him always.

I want what is best for the both of us, whether it be each other or someone else or no one else at the moment.

Straight from the [proverbial] horses mouth...

Some random, yet poignant things I heard today...

~from the Delilah show on the radio...as I drove home from work:

"Love is a gift. No matter how true or how faithful or how wonderful the love is you give to someone, if they have their hands full with other baggages, then they just aren't able to receive it. It doesn't make your love any less wonderful. It just means that the other person must sort thru all the other stuff going on in their lives before they are able to accept the love you give them. But don't let that stop you from trying to give it anyway. All you can do is pray for that person that someday soon they will open their eyes and be in a position where they are able to welcome you into their lives" -- Delilah


~from last night's episode of Bones...as I watched it online a few hours ago:

"Look, this tension between us? I hate it! I mean I know that we broke up and everything but I've experienced loss before and lived thru it and you have too. And I'm not gonna pretend that this didn't happen because it might be easier to break up that way. I'm gonna re-live us...so I'm not gonna hide anymore and I'm not gonna walk on eggshells. I'm just gonna accept that this whole damn mess happened and pain or not, I'm glad it did." -- Angela from 'Bones: The Crank in the Shaft'